28: The Year of Unlearning and Unbecoming

28, the year I traveled to 7 different countries, quit my 9-5, met my birth family, and manifested moving to Spain. This has been one of the most challenging years to date. I think I cried more this year than any other (besides 2016). This year was full of frustration, struggle, discouragement, and feeling completely defeated. I felt disappointed, lost, and triggered as fuck more often than not. 99% of the time I didn’t know what the hell I was doing (and I'll humbly admit that most days, I still don’t).

With that being said, this year was so unsettling because it was the complete stripping away of my old sense of self, a dismantling of a false identity I believed but was ultimately, not my truth. (Talk about scary and confusing). Living alone in Europe for 4 months was probably one of the bravest moves I’ve ever made. A decision that, for once, came not from reason but solely from heart. Most people couldn’t understand why I would make such a bold decision not from logic, and I couldn’t explain it. I sounded crazy, irresponsible, and impulsive but trusting my intuition was the best choice I’ve made in a long time. Taking a leap of faith to trade comfort, security, and safety for uncertainty and instability is a huge risk but the happiness and fulfillment on the other side are worth it to me. Although this year was insanely ungrounding, both personally and emotionally, I am so blessed for everything unfolding as it did. This year was one of finding myself and coming back home to who I’m destined to be. This year has been a constant stripping away at the layers of my shadow self. It was one of loss, purging, trial and error. I know this next year will continue to be a mass transition. For now, I will try to enjoy where I am and trust the universe will guide me where I’m meant to land. I don’t know where I’ll end up or how things will turn out but I believe as long as I continue to trust myself, I can’t go wrong. I will keep trying to love myself fully, and this time, not through another person. The next stage of my journey I’m being called to pursue alone, so I can know what it means to be with and choose myself consistently. This has been the first year I’ve been single from a relationship that lasted from 2020-2022 and it was an intense adjustment where so much resurfaced. Over and over I was rejected, ghosted, humiliated, disappointed. Then, finally, after a devastating rock bottom 2 weeks ago, I made the conscious decision to remain (deliberately) single for the rest of the year. No dating, no sex, no apps or distractions to numb myself. Instead of trying to find someone to help me escape, I am trying to find inner peace within me myself and I by taking my recovery seriously.

I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to prove myself to others. The harder I tried to win them over, the smaller I became. With every failed attempt to get them to notice me, the further I was taken from myself. Especially this year, I can’t tell you how much was spent begging people to see me, hear me, accept me, want me. They never did and I couldn’t quite understand why, what was so wrong with me, why was I so unlovable? I spent countless time and money trying to be good enough, consumed with self-disgust. I cried over people who really couldn’t care less about me, convinced if they would recognize my value, only then I would have worth. I learned a lot of lessons the hard (and expensive) way but in the end, I know what needed to be fixed was not me, it was the direction from which I was seeking affirmation. These people were simply mirrors, reflecting what needed to be integrated and healed. They revealed all the ways I hated myself, what I thought I deserved; to be ignored, used, abandoned. The 4 days spent in London were amongst the loneliest in my life (listen to the episode here) but I know only I have the power to end this vicious cycle of self-abuse. It's not that the universe was punishing me, she was awakening me to the realities of what will continue to happen if I keep disrespecting myself. A quote I recently discovered says “when an eggshell is cracked from the outside it is broken, when it’s cracked from the inside, it is reborn.”

I can’t believe I’m turning 29 in only 5 days. It feels surreal entering the last year of my twenties. This was the hardest decade of my life but it’s a good thing because I know the worst is over. My hardest, darkest days are behind me and I’m so proud of myself because 9 years ago I never imagined I’d make it this far (my past self is looking back hella impressed). I know if I can get through what I have, then everything else is a piece of cake. Of course, I still have doubts but instead of hiding from my insecurities like I used to do, I move towards them (and that’s pretty badass). So, future self, here’s to another year of growing and getting closer to not only my dreams (which I’m making a reality) but to what I deserve, to who I’ve always been but am learning to embody. This year I took a chance on myself. I fell flat on my face multiple times but each time I got back up, I grew stronger, braver, more resilient. Courage is not the lack of fear but the decision to do it anyway. If I can leave you with any advice it would be this… it’s not your body, bank account, relationship, (fill in the blank) holding you back. It's the shackles and limitations of your own mind. This day, week, month, or year, take that risk, make your wildest dreams come true. In life, there are no guarantees but I can promise you that you are worth it.