August: A Note on Grief

Dear _____,

I had a dream about you last night. It was bad. So bad, I had to wake myself up from a peaceful sleep to stop it. It pissed me off because it was 4 in the morning and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I woke up crying. I won’t tell you what it was because you’d probably say it’s bad luck. I’m in a shit mood today. But I’ve had an attitude everyday since the last time I saw you. It’s not your fault, I swear, but today I was thinking about how much less beautiful my life is because you’re not in it. The sun doesn’t shine as bright without you here…

One month ago today we went to Lecce. I recall this weekend specifically because you were starting to grow on me, poco a poco. I remember Friday night, for some reason you were acting weird once we got there; maybe you were freaked out by the parking situation or worried we would be spending the night together, but I felt your energy change and it made me nervous. We went to an Irish pub and you ordered the best cheese plate I ever had. I didn’t want to eat too much because I was anticipating you seeing me naked shortly after. The burger sucked, but I didn’t want to tell you since you packed it to go. Do you remember the big bug and how hot the Airbnb was? And I wouldn’t let you close the windows. I can’t believe we were using the AC wrong the entire time. What idiots lol. I don’t remember much else from that night, but let’s just say I was thirsty as hell to fuck your brains out. I can still feel you when I close my eyes.

On Saturday we went to the center and I didn’t wear any makeup but when you saw me for the first time without it, you told me how pretty I was. It made me feel good because my ex would always complain when I didn’t wear makeup but you preferred me without it. I bought an outfit that cost me almost 200$ so I was glad I looked cute with my new bag, dress and my bow (I love my bow). We went to a cafe and I remember there were a group of hot girls behind us. I was hoping you didn’t notice them but I think you did. That’s all I remember about this day (and I learned there was an inside out 2 in theaters). I wish we went to see it together, it’s my favorite movie. I wish we got to do much more than we did. Like go out dancing, get drunk and look at the stars, go camping on the beach. I wanted to cook for you and I didn’t have a chance to (you’re probably relieved). At some point we went to dinner and there was a cat on the roof. It was so fancy and I think you felt uncomfortable. I felt awkward too because I didn’t want you to spend money. You told me to look like a lady. I guess I was being clumsy, which I usually am. If I’m being honest (which I can be, because I’m talking to myself), I wasn’t crazy about you. I thought you were nice and cute and I thought you liked me a lot more than I liked you (oh the irony lol). I was talking to my cousin on our balcony that day, watching the sun go down. You were taking a nap, I think. I told her I felt more of a friendship connection than anything else, but I was willing to give it till the end of the weekend to decide if I would friend zone you or not. Things took a turn on Sunday when we went to the beach. I’m at the beach right now and when we got here I thought about how when we went to Monopoli you packed a bag with sandwiches. You told me your mom made it and I loved them even more. I just saw a guy wearing an American flag bathing suit aka swimming dress, and it made me think of you. A lot of things make me think of you. (Thank you USA).

In Lecce at the beach was when I started to like you. We were walking and you were on the phone and I really loved when I would hear you talking on the phone in Albanian. I would always try to figure out what you were saying (you say ca ben a lot). Anyway, I remember there was a girl in the bathroom on the toilet with the door open. When I came back to the table you ordered pasta that had shrimp in it. You told me to eat it because it was healthy and good for me. You told me you loved me that day and I knew I was in trouble. I wondered what you meant by it and although I didn’t feel the same, I did feel something… maybe because I hadn’t heard it in so long.

I guess I’ll tell you about R. I never did, because I don’t like to bring up past lovers, but R just happened to be an Albanian living in Italy. He told me to never date Albanians because he said they’ll all just use me. Really he was the reason I discovered Albania in the first place and the same reason I used to go to Italy so much. He was the last person I loved before I met you. I never thought I’d love another person again. I’ve met a lot of guys in the last two years, more than I can remember. But I can only count on less than one hand the ones I’ve loved, and one is you. Anyway, he told me “tkam xhan” and when I looked it up, it said I love you. After a year he told me he only ever loved me as a friend. I wondered if you felt the same…

When you drove me home that night I was sad the weekend ended but I was going to see you again for my birthday. We both know how that went, lol. I was hoping you’d apologize but you didn’t. I don’t know if it’s an Albanian thing, but y’all really aren’t very good with talking about feelings. I couldn’t be mad, because maybe you don’t have much experience with hard emotions, maybe that’s why you kept looking at your phone and laughing. You never brought up J again after that day. You were probably just being dumb, as guys tend to be lol. I didn’t like you too much that night. I was ready to get rid of you but I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel ready to be done yet. And I’m so happy I didn’t.

Every night before I go to sleep I pray to God for you. I talk to the sky like I’m talking to you. I wonder if you can feel me when I’m thinking of you. I don’t know why, but for some reason I think yes. I wonder what you’re doing. I miss you asking me if I ate. I miss you getting mad when I didn’t eat. I miss you calling me babe and telling me to chill. I miss you turning off my air conditioner. I miss you texting me buon giorno and good night. I remember the first day you didn’t text me good morning in Barcelona. It hurt like hell and that’s the day I decided to change my number. The slow fade is a fucking bitch. The same thing happened with R when I left Rome. He called me everyday for a while, then every day turned into once in a while which eventually turned into never… I couldn’t bare the same thing happening again with you, so I told you to not contact me anymore. You listened…

I remember when you unfollowed me on Instagram too. I’m not a freak that tracks their followers, but I remember checking your profile. Your photo was gone (why did you delete it by the way??) and it said follow. I thought you blocked me. It made me very sad. I was in the middle of a restaurant crying by myself. It was a bad day. I felt sick in Barcelona. In June I had made plans to go on two different dates with two different boys when I returned. One of them was an Italian I met at a pizzeria (from Puglia actually) that I had a huge crush on. The other was an Albanian I met on the train. Needless to say when I went back in July, I texted neither.

Two weeks have gone by and I still feel a heaviness in my chest. It feels like the longest two weeks of my life. They say heartbreak causes pain the same way a physical injury does. I know it’s true because I feel I have a knife piercing through my heart. I wonder how long it’s going to take before it goes away...

We don’t really talk anymore. I’ve blocked and unblocked you maybe about a dozen times. I don’t want to block you, but part of me is convinced it’ll hurt less and I’ll move on quicker. I don’t think it’s true. I don’t see how I can ever be attracted to anyone else again. You told me you hope I meet a good guy, but I doubt anyone could ever be as good as you. No one ever put so much thought into planning dates like you did. Nobody’s ever been as considerate as you were. Remember the first night we met? And the dog got hit by a car? (Just kidding). You gave that guy money and you were always giving people money because you’re so generous. Must be an Albanian thing. I feel like I lost the best guy to enter my life. I feel like I lose anyone I’ve ever loved.

I remember looking over at you from the passenger seat. You’d grab my thigh and kiss my hand and call me cicci. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. Really I could just look at you forever. I’m starting to forget what your voice sounds like and it scares me because I don’t want to. I don’t want to forget anything about you. When I cry I think of when you told me to stop crying because I look like a clown. If anyone else said that I would hate them. But I really did look like a clown when I looked in the mirror LOL. You were the only guy in thirty years I ever let tell me what to do. You hated when I cried because you said it was going to make you cry. On our last night you told me you went home and cried. I wonder if it’s true…

I deleted all our messages, videos and photos. I couldn’t stop looking at them and I knew it wasn’t good for me, but the only thing that makes me better is your smile. Your smile could make the worst day the best. I love how you turn your phone off when you’re eating with your family. I love how you’d always look around like you were searching for something. I love how you’d stand outside your car whenever you’d pick me up… I hate how I’ll never see that again. How I’ll never see you again.

Everything here is ugly. The beach, the people. I’m not just upset about you, but about being here. I don’t want to be here. I wish I could talk to you and hug you. The food tastes like shit and dare I say, even the coffee tastes like dirt water. I wish I could be on the way to Albania with you right now because you’re the only person I’d go there with. Nothing here excites me besides my cat and my bed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be with my family but I know I’ll never be happy living here again. It scares me because this is where my life is, my education, career, my family. What am I supposed to do? Even if someone gave me 1 million dollars to stay here the rest of my life, I couldn’t do it. It feels like a prison sentence. Everyday feels like the same. I have nothing to look forward to. I don’t want to do anything or see anyone. I’m so depressed and I know it won’t go away until I’m back in Europe. My visa is going through in 6-9 months but I can’t wait that long. Even being here another month feels too long. I’m going to Naples in October to December. I think that would be a nice city to live. I can’t go to Rome for personal reasons, and it’s sucks because it used to be my favorite city. I want to go to Sicily but I don’t know anyone and I’m afraid I’ll be lonely. At least in Napoli I have one friend and J is close by in Rome. Bari is just a few hours too…

Today I was thinking that nothing is more painful than looking at someone you love knowing they’re going to be someone you’ll lose. I think grief is the most painful emotion for any human to feel. It’s not like depression, not everyone (the lucky bunch) will experience depression, but anyone who’s ever loved will know the pain of grief. It’s inescapable. We don’t just mourn the dead, we also mourn the living; what once was, and what will never be. I don’t want to put all this pressure on you and make you think you caused this, you were just the trigger that activated my abandonment trauma. I’m not good with goodbyes, despite the name of my last article. & Your goodbye fucking sucked.

I didn’t want to go, E. I left but you let me. I wanted you to ask me to stay. Eventually, I would need to go, but I would’ve stayed longer, for you. I’d do and give anything to see you again. I didn’t get a chance to love you properly. We didn’t get a chance. We ended before we even began. I keep telling myself it’s for the best; we only knew each other a month. I have nothing but good memories and fond feelings of you, thanks for that by the way. But if things would’ve kept going we more than likely wouldn’t have worked out. We probably would’ve gotten into a fight and you would say some stupid shit. I would like you even more and this would make me even more crazy and neurotic. You wouldn’t have introduced me to your family and this would piss me off even more. We were destined to end. It wasn’t the right time. We were doomed to go nowhere from the beginning. I know I need to accept it, but it’s so hard. I can’t be with someone who is ashamed of me. Because I’m American, older, have tattoos, I’ve heard it all before. I deserve someone who wants all of me, not just half. I need someone I can love fully or I can’t love them at all. I want someone who chooses me completely, and I know it can’t be you. I don’t blame you for it, it just sucks because really, I never would’ve taken you for granted.

When I go to Naples I don’t know if I’ll tell you. I know I’ll still love you, because when I love someone, they have my heart for life, but what if I call you and you have a girlfriend? Then I’ll feel rejected and spiral. I know I’m fragile. I told you I was delicate. My sensitivity and feelings are too much for me to hold, I don’t expect another person to be able to handle them, let alone a boy. My emotions get the best of me sometimes. When I feel something, good or bad, I feel it to the extreme. So when I say I love forever, it doesn’t mean I’m IN love forever. Loving someone and being in love are two different things. For example, I’m in love with you, you love me. I’m used to unrequited love, I was just hoping the next person who stole my heart would be someone I’d get to keep. I knew I couldn’t keep you, so why does it still feel like you slipped through my fingertips? I knew I couldn’t keep you, so why did I try? Why do you feel like the one who got away…

I was thinking what love does to a person. The first day I met you, you were just a normal, average guy. By the day I left, you were the closest I ever gotten to perfection. Oh love, how it takes an imperfect person, and makes them perfect in our eyes. You told me before me met that you were different. I rolled my eyes and laughed at you. You weren’t lying. Oh, I’ve lost all my sex drive too. I know somethings wrong when I’m not horny. I think about the guys that came before you. None of them deserved to touch me, but you did. None of them deserved me in any way at all, actually, but you did. You deserved me, and so much more.

I fear if you knew me you wouldn’t like me. You got the good side of me and only a sample of the bad. But it didn’t scare you away, and I think that made me fall for you. That you were strong enough to face my demons. I opened up to you only a little, and what did you do? You pulled me closer. You saw me. You liked me more, not less (I think). But I have a lot of skeletons in my closet and I worry they make me unlovable. I’m a good person but I’ve done a lot of bad things, things I won’t tell anyone because I’m too ashamed to admit it. Do you have them too? I think most of us do. I think love is knowing every terrible thing someone’s ever done and loving them anyway. What do you think love is?

You’d think I’m crazy if you read this, I’m sure. But when I say I love you, I don’t mean I want to get married and have kids. I hardly know you in the grand scheme of things. If we got to know each other a few months more, we might not stand each other. That’s happened in past relationships… but what I do mean is I’d give you the last breath in my body. I’d take a bullet for you. My therapist says I only love the fantasy of you, and not you, but I don’t agree. There’s not many men that I trust, actually I can’t think of any, but you earned mine. I trust you. I’d say that’s love, would you?

I am a little mad at you though now because I can’t even listen to my favorite songs since all they do is remind me of you. But sometimes I like it. I sat on my shower floor and cried for 27 minutes the other day, listening to "the last bit of us" by Dean Lewis on repeat until I ran out of hot water. (In America, we have much better heating and plumbing than y’all do). I don’t know why I do this to myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a masochist because I love crying. I get mad at God sometimes because I ask why he’d give me something only to take it away. It’s not fair and it makes me feel bad for myself. I feel really freaking bad for anyone who doesn’t get to have you in their life.

Anyway, I’m going to end this because I’ll probably put it on my blog and it’s going to take 8 years to edit if I keep going which I easily could. I could talk to you forever. I love how we never ran out of things to kid about. You were so funny without trying. Nobody has made me laugh like that in ages. I love how you just got me. You understood me without me having to speak. Not bad for a 23 year old ;) I don’t know when or if we’ll speak again. I don’t know if I should wish you a happy birthday because I’m worried you’ll be out with a girl and I’ll hate myself. You were the only thing that made my birthday special (and J), despite me losing my shit on you, so thank you. And as much as I want to be selfish with you, I can’t. Because as much as I want you, I care about you more. You are all that’s good in this world and you deserve all that’s good. I know if we are meant to be then life will bring us back together again. I doubt it and I won’t hold my breath, but deep down, I won’t stop hoping that happens. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the happiness. Thank you for raising my standards and telling me not to settle. Thank you for showing me what love is supposed to feel like. Thank you for your existence. I think of you. I miss you and I love you. Ccaaahhhh

Love,

L