A Letter to Barcelona

I have a love-hate relationship with Barcelona. I've lived here (on and off) since November, and my rocky start 5 months ago was a foreshadowing of what was to come... People back home think I've been on this luxurious holiday, but if I'm being honest, the last half year has been anything but relaxing and extravagant. It's felt more like a test in my character development than a getaway vacation but despite all odds, it's taught me a thing or two. Like most of my relationships, ours has been complex. So, BCN, to make amends and reconcile our differences, as I prepare to move on, I need to get some things off my chest...

Dear Barcelona,

When I came here last February I wasn't crazy about you. I had just spent a month in some of the most wonderful parts of Spain; Madrid, Granada, Sevilla and Malaga, and I loved them all, so, naturally, I had high expectations for you too. But I heard mixed things from other travelers through the grapevine, like how dangerous you were and people either loved or hated you. I won't lie and say I didn't arrive bright-eyed and hopeful, and really, you can be beautiful. I went to take salsa lessons, I went to a husky cafe, and attempted to go skydiving but epically failed when I missed my train and lost 500 euros. I went on one date with my first-ever Spanish boy because (at the time) I was convinced my future husband would be Spanish (now you need to convince me I'd ever date a Spanish guy again). He took me to Mcdonalds which I thought was ironic because I'm American and also vegetarian but maybe he was trying to give me a taste of "back home." We made out in the back of his car on the Carmel Bunkers. The next day I went to a football match and headed home to New York. I did have a good time, especially because the weather was a lot warmer than it was in Madrid and all the vegan restaurants made my veggie heart sing. But deep down, I knew we weren't a good match. Maybe it was because I was so devastated from a breakup 7 weeks earlier that I couldn't enjoy you to the fullest, so when an opportunity arose to study Spanish and teach English in Barcelona for a student visa, I figured, well, it's technically still Spain and jumped at the chance. I was a bit disappointed because my soul was set on Madrid, but I was open to giving you another fair chance. Maybe you'll grow on me...

When I arrived in Sant Marti in November, I was ecstatic to be back in Spain. This is going to be the time of my life, I told myself. The next few weeks were spent inside a classroom, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, studying grammar with 6 other students who were all aspiring TEFL instructors. We bonded over the struggle of whatever the fuck a past participle was and our dreams of moving abroad for good. These people became my backbone and the lifeline that would get me through the following months. Sometime in December, I decided to give dating a try because have you seen how gorgeous the people are in Spain? Although it had been 6 months since I talked to or went out with anyone, I believed I'd have better luck in Europe because maybe I wasn't destined to marry an American. In a matter of 4 weeks, I managed to get taken to the airport on a date (seriously), make out with a Brazilian guy in the club who forgot to mention he had a girlfriend, make out in the street at 3 AM with an Italian-Catalan who would later blow me off on a date, make out with a 16-year-old who had a fake ID and lied about his age (not my proudest moment, I know... whoops) and go on several dates with an older guy (by older I mean like 35 hahaha) who I actually really liked but never kissed once. Yes, in such a short period I did a lot of kissing and dating (if you can even call it that) and although MANY opportunities jumped at me to sleep with someone, I refused until I was sure it was the right person. Maybe I'm not ready to put myself back out there, maybe I should delete the dating apps and just go back to focusing on myself...

Come January I returned from Italy and was ready to start taking Spanish lessons. At this point, I was enjoying Barcelona's nightlife to the fullest. I mean, why not? After all, that's what it's most famous for, right? But I was starting to get tired. Tired of men trying to take me to bed after only knowing me for all of 2.5 seconds. Tired of kissing random strangers who were either underage or had girlfriends. Tired of drunk, sleepless nights, and the talking stage not going anywhere. I was ready for something serious, I thought. I'm ready to commit myself to someone. I attended language school four hours a day Monday through Friday and figured by the time my student visa was up in June, I'd be fluent in Spanish. But in December, I already decided that come February, I would move to Madrid because despite everyone telling me I'd fall in love with Barcelona, I wasn't convinced. Madrid is much better, I told myself. There I'll be happy. Madrid is REAL Spain. Not this fake Cataluna where I don't even feel like I'm in Spain. Barcelona is just New York in Europe. People are mean and they don't speak Spanish here (what the fuck is a sortida?). It's expensive and full of tourists. It's too crowded. I hate it. Nothing can keep me here I said over and over. And then, I met a boy.

He had brown hair and green eyes and after the first time we slept together I was starting to fall in love. He was sweet, cute, quirky, fun, he was attentive, and consistent. Until he wasn't. You know, Barcelona, what really sucks is that by the time I was ready to leave for Madrid, you actually WERE beginning to grow on me. I had friends here, I had my Spanish class and this guy I wholeheartedly believed would be my next boyfriend after 2 years of singlehood. I didn't want to go to Madrid but I had to. So I left you, and with that, I left behind more than I had planned. I was miserable in Madrid; alone, rejected and my health was rapidly declining. I missed you. I regretted my decision to leave you. Could we get back together? Madrid was cold and rainy every day. At least you were sunny and warm. At least there I had my Spanish lessons to look forward to. Now I have nobody and nothing. What did I do? It was a mistake. I decided to head home in March, mostly due to my shitty financial situation, poor health, and an impulsive decision when having a panic attack, and booked the first flight home. I'll go back in April, then I can have a brand new start and everything will take off where I left it...

I don't know if it's YOU I'm mad at Barcelona, or mostly myself. If I could do it all over again, I would've just stuck it out. By now I would've been B2 level Spanish instead of just A2. I would've saved money from going back and forth. I would've never gotten into that fight with **** and we'd still be happy together like we were in the beginning. He wouldn't have ghosted me and turned into an avoidant asshole. Everything would be fine and dandy and I'd actually be content with my life. Things would be different, they would be better. I resent you Barcelona, I do, but mainly, I resent myself...

I know all of the above statements are a load of bullshit. Whose to say everything would be peachy keen and XYZ would've happened? I'll never know. And most likely, if someone is emotionally unavailable, it will come out sooner or later so better to have it happen sooner rather than later. If things had progressed, I would've gotten more attached and wasted more time. I can't blame you, Barcelona, because it's really not your fault but my own. For ignoring all the warning signs, for not trusting my intuition, for being reactive, and acting on impulse (I sincerely need to work on that). Barcelona, you weren't the problem but the catalyst. Maybe I'm so frustrated with you because you showed me everything I still need to heal. You revealed everything that was hidden under the surface which I thought I had resolved. You have been triggering as all hell and perhaps I'm just discouraged with myself for falling back into old patterns. So in lieu of all the trauma, I've narrowed it down to the five things I can be grateful you brought me. Instead of hyper-fixating on the bad, here's some of the good...

1. Home is not a place, but where your family is. By family, I don't mean blood. For me, it has been my friends. I wouldn't have been able to last this long halfway across the world if it weren't for my people. If nothing else, Barcelona, you gifted them to me, and for these memories, I will forever be appreciative. I love you, my soul tribe.

2. Leaving your comfort zone isn't easy and it doesn't feel good. You have been hella uncomfortable. If I had a dollar for every moment of discomfort I'd be the world's richest person. But just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's bad. You've made me adaptable because there's been a lot of moments along the way I've had no choice but to be. It's not during the simple times that we grow but in the times we think we've reached our limit and persevere when we realize how resilient we are. You've shown me the true meaning of courage.

3. Although my dating experience has been less than ideal (to say the least), one year ago I was so in love with my ex that I couldn't envision a future without him. I thought I would never get over him, that I'd never love again. Now we are basically besties (yes you read that right, you know RAMEN NOODLE, from my previous posts? We are actually homies now and although I still love him, I'm no longer IN LOVE with him). It's so liberating I could cry. We tell each other our dating problems. We try to be each other's wingman/wingwoman. If you told me this one year ago while I was crying myself to sleep, swiping on Tinder, seeking a replacement to move on, I never would've believed you. And even though I put myself back out there and it didn't work out, I TRIED. Which goes to show how brave I am, so thanks for providing (yet another) man who hurt me so bad I had no other option but to be strong. With every heartbreak, I grow wiser (I'm essentially 100 years old at this point). You showed me I could feel something again, you showed me I can mend myself back together.

4. Investing in yourself is the smartest investment you can make. When moving abroad, my whole family didn't understand my decision. Why are you leaving behind a high-paying job and your loved ones? Your life is in NY. Here you have health benefits and a home. Why are you going to move halfway across the world where you'll be making no money, have no opportunities and know no one? It's true. Being unemployed for the last 365 days has been the most stressful year ever. Not working, you would think how easy I must have it, but on the contrary, although I have more time for myself, not having any financial stability has quite literally made me sick. I have had zero financial security and my savings are being drained by the second. Not having any sort of consistent income exacerbates my fears of lack and activates my wound of growing up in scarcity. My worst nightmare is running out of money, being homeless, or forced to return to Long Island where despite making 4,000$ a month, I'm miserable and emotionally poor. Here, although I'm without money, I feel rich and the payoff of getting to LIVE life, meet new people, and better myself spiritually and psychologically, is worth it to me. I have experienced more in this last sabbatical year than most people ever will in their entire lives. And to me, that's priceless. People won't understand your decision if it doesn't involve logic but they don't need to. Most of my life seems irrational and it's not my job to convince others of why I make the choices that I do. Follow your bliss, let your heart guide you, go where your joy is, and hold your breath to the naysayers who are jealous of what you have because they don't have the guts to go after it themselves. I am pursuing my goals which may look different than yours and yours will differ from the next. If someone is living a life you don't wish to lead yourself, don't take their advice. They probably just envy you.

5. The grass is greener on the other side. When I was in America I wished I could be in Spain, when I was in Spain I wished to be in Italy. When I was in Madrid I wanted to be in Barcelona and when I was in Barcelona I wanted to be in Albania. I was never content. I was perpetually unsatisfied. When we do this, we are living in the past or the future. When we live in the present moment, we realize we have all we need. All is OK. When we are in the here and now, we can be satisfied instead of chasing more or grappling with our current circumstances. This too shall pass and that means we owe it to ourselves to bloom where we are planted. Everything in life is temporary, good and bad. I know my time here is running out. I know in two months I won't be in Spain anymore and I will miss my friends and Barcelona will seem nostalgic. So I plan to spend every last second celebrating and soaking up each passing moment.

This chapter of my life has been a tumultuous one. It has been brutal and beautiful in every way. It's not black and white. Highs and lows coexist. There have been struggles and there have been victories. Things may not make sense right now and maybe they won't in five years. But looking back, one day, you will figure out why events needed to unfold how they did. I have come to accept that my life looks drastically different than most people my age. But I remind you, your life is none but yours to live. If I was meant to be married and have kids by now, I would've been. Stop comparing your timeline to your neighbors. I am thankful for all I've gained and all I've lost. I saw a quote that said, "When someone doesn't see your value, it's God saying this certain person isn't meant to be in your life". That same day my massage therapist told me that if somebody is worthy of my heart, they won't leave it. If someone doesn't want to stay, let them go. If something passes you by, allow the universe to do its job and bring what is destined for you. Although I'm a bit scarred and don't know the next time I'll be vulnerable enough to open myself up to someone again, I know my angels will deliver the right person who deserves to be close to me when ready. I won't seek them out on Bumble, I'll do my own thing and wait patiently in the meantime. Yet again, it's been another lesson in trust/surrender; allowing divine timing to support me when all is uncertain and up in the air. I've been living out of a suitcase the last 12 months yet I have faith I will end up where I need to. For now, I will just be. My time here has been short but impactful. This stage of growth is a powerful one. You've humbled me. You haven't been a walk in the park in Barcelona, but you're not so bad after all. So until we meet again, hasta luego, Lorena.