Coming Clean: Diary & Confessions of a SLA

Monday: today is my last night in Durres, one of the many cities I’ve ventured to across Albania in the one month since I’ve arrived here. Albania is a simple country, and I never thought it would leave a lasting impact the way that it has. Life is funny and ironic and weird; I couldn’t predict the many ways life has changed over the course of three months.

It’s April and I’m equally parts nervous equally parts excited. I recently quit my job because although it was stable and provided me security, it didn’t feel meaningful or purposeful. I went on a two month solo trip during winter and for the first time ever I felt joy. I felt inner peace amidst the external chaos. I would’ve done anything to experience that happiness again. And so I did the bravest or dumbest thing a 28 year old could’ve done and left my 9-5 to pursue another solo adventure in Europe. I knew it was a gamble, I knew what I was risking and nobody failed to remind me of everything I could lose: my health insurance, my financial cushion, my life. Willing to sacrifice my safety net in hopes of gaining personal freedom seemed like a fair exchange. And so I packed two suitcases and left on a one way ticket to Rome. I have a love/hate relationship with Rome. I can’t blame Rome, it didn’t mean to hold such symbolism but if I’m being honest I think I’d be OK if I never saw that city again. It’s not Rome’s fault, but my own. Rome taught me a lot, I have so many memories there and I think I associated it as my dream city because I thought my dream person was there. I had my heart broken in Rome three times before finally realizing it was not the city (nor person) for me. Eventually I recognized its time to move on and leave Trevi behind.

Weeks 1 and 2 - I was ghosted and rejected by the so called love of my life, who ultimately ended up friend zoning me and ignoring my entire existence while I was there. Week one and two I was crying nearly everyday, wondering how I could be so utterly insignificant to someone who was so incredibly important to me. If I’m being honest, sometimes I still cry, my heart remains delicate and I do think of him occasionally (probably because I’m in Albania) but finally after one year of chasing after someone who ran, the bruises on my heart (and ego) are willing to let go.

Weeks 3 and 4 - I’m still fragile because despite my best efforts and most expensive makeup, I was invisible to my hearts desire. As any unhealed millennial would do, I download tinder to distract myself from my internal suffering even though I swore never again would I get on that unconscious, sex thirsty, agonizingly waste of a time app. Being a creature with a vagina, I naturally attract many prospects. It’s not that I’m so appetizing but rather that penis owners are always hungry. Because I don’t swipe more than 30 seconds a day, I include my Instagram so if I do want to talk to someone, I can stalk their profile. One day I see a message that said something clever which intrigued me since the only way to win my attention is through humor. He was cute and Albanian (double win) and after a week or so I decided to meet despite my therapist telling me to stop dating because he suspects I have a sex/love addiction. I meet him in Bologna, even though he’s from Florence and I didn’t like him at first. But as days pass we spend more time together and I had an oops I did it again moment. A week later I’m lying in his bed and burst out crying. I like him, fuck. Now what do I do? The tears wouldn’t stop and I panicked, remembering how in my last therapy session, my counselor suggest I use people to numb my deeply woven feelings of abandonment. Anytime someone makes me feel unwanted, I look for another person to escape my all consuming wound of not feeling chosen. Could that be what was happening? Or was the sex just mind blowingly good? Was I falling for him or was it just denial? I only knew this person for 10 days after all… By the time I was ready to leave Italy, my subconscious made the self destructive decision that this was the person for me. All in, I agreed and insisted we explore London together because after all, he only had a few months left on his visa and it was so convenient for me to go… (not convenient at all but I convinced myself it was to feel less pathetic for going out of my way and spending a lot of money yet again, on another stranger I was infatuated with).

Weeks 5 through 9: After 5 weeks in Italy, I arrive to Albania bright eyed and hopeful. Albania was bitter sweet because although I love it so much, I recall what brought me here (see Aprils post, Italian romance gone wrong). It’s my first week in Tirana and even though I had strong feelings for Florence guy, I remained on tinder. Because I wasn’t swiping I didn’t feel so bad and even though I would’ve deleted my account for him, I didn’t want to remain loyal to someone who one, didn’t ask and two, hasn’t earned my commitment. Again, I agreed to meet someone from tinder after they sent me a funny and interesting remark. Now, three weeks later and said person has really grown on me. Presently I’m in this predicament leaving Albania in one week while I’ve caught feelings for one person yet plan to go to London with another. In addition, I’m still not fully over the first Albanian from Italy. So my heart is spread across three Albanians in three different cities, none of which I’m going to live nor end up with. I’m confused, discouraged, defeated and tired. Is it possible to like more than one person? I guess so. Is it possible I develop these flings because I have an avoidant attachment and I’m trying to protect myself from intimacy? I guess so. But how is it possible that after 2 months of amazing sex, passionate lust and romantic dates that I still end up all alone? Also, can somebody please tell me why I feel like I’m cheating on someone when I’m not in a relationship? I feel spread thin, disgusted and deceitful.

Although I’m not convinced I’m destined to end up with any of these people, I still try to be a woman of integrity. To my dismay, my dignity isn’t always upheld and fidelity is something I’ve struggled with in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel the need to devote myself right now because realistically, I don’t really know any of these guys. I like them each in different ways for different reasons but above all, I want to remain loyal to myself. To stop betraying myself and going against my word. I’ve broken too many promises to myself and sometimes don’t know how to stop my life long pattern of self inflicting pain through dysfunctional habits.

It’s my last week in Albania and I’m feeling torn. Frustrated for getting into this situation in the first place and disappointed that once again, I have established connections only to leave. I’m not interested in another long distance situationship because sometimes LDRs are simply excuses to remain emotionally unavailable (at least in my case). I know for the right person I would remain faithful, but more than anything, I want to keep my vows to myself. I say this because yesterday I told myself for the next 30 days I will practice radical honesty and saying no since historically, this is something I struggle with. Asserting boundaries and being truthful is extremely challenging for me. I swore to myself I’m going to be transparent at all costs then today find myself lying about something so minuscule. The disturbing part is I have gotten so used to it I didn’t even think twice until I was caught in said lie. Anytime I’ve been caught fibbing (always over small shit) I get so humiliated to the point where I am so enveloped in embarrassment that I will block the person as if they did something to ME. Crazy how that works right? It’s not that I’m purposely trying to manipulate or gaslight them into believing they did something wrong, but that my shame is so immense I can’t stand to ever speak to or look at them again.

Many of us do this, we refuse to take accountability for our mistakes so it’s a lot easier to justify them or make the other person responsible. We avoid where we fell short instead of putting in the effort to repair the relationship. There’s been so many things I’ve done in life I’m not proud of and I’ve never claimed to be perfect, but in uncomfortable situations (such as these) I’m generally willing to own up to my actions and apologize. Although saying sorry doesn’t change anything, I typically try to gain awareness of my choices and how those decisions impact others. Most of the time, when I act in such a way, it’s either because of fear, avoidance, self-protection, or acting out of a place of pain, never intentionally to harm another.

Although my intentions were initially pure, currently I feel pretty bummed and awkward about my circumstances. I don’t believe people are bandaids we should objectify to make ourselves feel better. Most of us are guilty of seeking temporary gratification or validation through external means, but this isn’t a way I wish to live any longer. I don’t know where I’ll go from here or my right next move. I pray my humility will grow and as a result, my pride will shrink. I will continue to fuck up, and maybe I’ll keep doing things I regret when feeling triggered or lost. I want to trust those moments will be fewer and far between. But I believe the more aligned I become with my authenticity and the more truth I speak, I won’t need to make any more confessions because the answers will reveal themselves💖