July: The Illusion of Emptiness

Emptiness… it’s a word I know all too well. A feeling that has been lurking in my shadow for as long as I can recall. No matter what I used to fill it, whether it was food, money, boys, expensive hair, etc. the gaping hole in my heart lingered. I tried whatever outlet I could to escape it, but the emptiness followed despite my best efforts to leave it behind. I knew the attempts were misguided; I knew deep down that texting the emotionally unavailable guy who only wanted me for a night would be doing my future self a disservice, yet I couldn’t resist the charming invitation for a fleeting connection. I needed to escape from the gnawing inside… I needed to escape, mostly, from myself.

Monday June 24th: “When was the first time you remember feeling you have to thank a man for being nice with your body?” My therapist asks. I close my eyes and begin tapping on my thighs… right, left, right, left. Bilateral stimulation is a psychological method clinically proven to work for treating trauma patients in a therapeutic setting. I thought of the first time I was trapped in a car during my second month of college. He locked me inside and forced himself on me. I cried and dropped out of class so I wouldn’t have to see him the rest of the semester. “Go even younger” she probes. Ok, I agree. What about the time in high school… - “younger” she states. I keep my eyes shut and try to think, what is the youngest age I can remember?… Nausea. I suddenly feel sick. Out of nowhere, a gust of dizziness overcomes me. “Nancy I feel light headed” I say. “Okay, take deep breaths and try to work through the dizziness” she encourages. I sigh. “Alright... I really don’t want to do this.” Left, right, left. “I need to stop” I exclaim. I get up and run to the bathroom, feeling too weak to even make it in time. I start throwing up in the toilet. “That’s enough for today” I hear my counselor remark from the other room. My body is remembering what my mind has intentionally forgotten…

It’s Thursday, June 27th and I have four days left in Albania. The past month has been brutal. I love this country dearly, but it’s complicated. Last year I trauma bonded to someone who assaulted me and eventually went on to spend the entire month together. My perpetual emptiness led me to leave myself and trade my integrity to avoid the constant loneliness looming over me. After some time, I eventually blocked and deleted the rapist from my phone. It took a lot for me to completely cut contact with this guy and the fact I continued talking to him after the incident chipped away at my dignity and led me to hate myself.

I had a similar experience this time in Albania, although much less scarring. The dynamic, however, felt similar. I was entertaining someone who had crossed my boundaries and left me feeling violated. I knew it wasn’t about him, because when my therapist asked what it was that I liked about him, the only answer I could muster was “he’s hot and nice to me sometimes.” I realized, in short, there was nothing special about this person and the only thing hooking me was the sporadic bursts of attention he intermittently provided. I saw him twice; and he gave off classic fuck boy vibes. I knew he had nothing to offer except subpar dick, but I couldn't resist the bad boy energy. It felt familiar, comfortable, it felt like all I was worth. Part of me feels it’s the best I can do; I don’t deserve better, it’s not possible to find someone who values or takes me seriously. I might as well settle for the bare minimum because it’s all I’ll ever get. I wrote in my journal, "emptiness is being desired by all yet being loved by none. Loneliness feels like having everyone’s attention but nobody’s respect. All I have to offer is what’s in between my legs and sex is the closest I'll ever get to to love. It’s the most degrading, dehumanizing feeling possible for a woman. And in my eyes, it is the very definition of feeling small. Everyone sees me and yet here I am, nothing but invisible"

Emptiness is a talented liar. It tells you that you need outside forces to make you feel better. It convinces you if you do (or have) X, Y and Z, you will be enough. It whispers in your ear “if you fuck that person, have that drink, fill in self destructive habit here, your pain will disappear. Maybe it does, for a short while. But we wake up the next day and not only has the pain returned, but tripled. The person you slept with is gone, your bank account is drained and your stomach is sick. We are left empty once more, but with added layers of guilt, shame and self-disgust. I ask myself how much longer I want to play this game of punishment; of letting people take advantage of me and wondering why I always end up victimized. I asked myself if this was a guy I’d want my child to date. I thought of my little self and asked if I’d let anyone treat her this way. I knew that by hurting myself, I’d be harming her, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, it’s gone on for too long. I recalled last year, how I remained in denial and called the man who exploited me my friend. A years passed and I had to face the fact that I had two options: repeat the pattern or break it. In that moment, I finally said no, no more choosing to abandon myself, no more self-inflicting wounds, not again, not this time. I cried while typing my text and the rest of the day after I sent it. I felt deeply sad because the loneliness was so heavy I could’ve drowned in it. Loneliness lets us allow people into our lives who abuse us, because it brainwashes us into believing it's better than nothing. But I heard my inner wisdom nudge “Choose to be lonely tonight. So you are not lonely tomorrow. Make the right decision now, so you don’t make the wrong decision in the future. We need to trade temporary pain in exchange for long term peace, instead of choosing temporary peace for long term pain”

I knew I was bored but what would getting together with this dude accomplish? Absolutely nothing. It would set me back and only weaken the relationship I’m working to build for myself. Little by little, I was learning to choose myself over another. Brick by brick, action by action, I was reestablishing the ability to trust and keep promises to myself. That night was tough; by sitting with my broken heart, memories and experiences from my past resurfaced that I pushed down for so long through perfectionism, disordered eating, meaningless hookups and so on. But instead of escaping from my trauma, instead of numbing my heart break, I pursued another path; not by leaving myself but through taking care of myself. I took a two hour long walk on the beach and woke up the following morning feeling affirmed I made the right decision. I thought by saying no, I was at a loss; losing any and everyone who enters my life. In reality, all I was losing was an illusion. I was never actually empty, I just filled myself up with the wrong things which left me drained and more vacant than before.

Making the right decision is simple but it’s not easy. It takes patience, persistent and a deep commitment to ourselves. It is uncomfortable, it is hard, and it doesn’t feel so good in the moment. It’s not fun, exciting, dangerous or sexy. In actuality, it’s pretty boring and isolating. But during these times we must fight for ourselves when no one else will. This is the work, a devotion for not what we want today, but to what is going to benefit us tomorrow. Also, if you’re a woman reading this, particularly one like me with a long history of sexual violence, I want to let you know (if nobody already has) that the least interesting thing about you is your body. Find someone who wants to know your heart before your vagina. You are worth holding out for. You deserve to be cherished and nurtured and adored by a sincere individual with genuine intentions. You can do better than somebody whose only desire is taking from you without reciprocating any effort in return. I know the loud voice screaming on your shoulder "just have fun, it's no big deal" but in reality, it is. Your body is not transactional. With every one night stand, we detach further from our authentic selves. I say this as somebody who used to think casual sex is an empowering decision but now, I can feel the devastating effects my impulsive choices have had on how disconnected I am from myself.

With growing pains come growing GAINS and with every fissure we learn to mend. Through the challenges we develop. Within the difficulties we become stronger. We split apart and with every act of self love, we stitch ourselves back together. I’m choosing to intentionally be alone instead of wrapped up in the facade and arms of a person who can’t love me. I know it's a work in progress, but I will keep trying until I get it right. I probably will fail, but it's okay. The goal is to not be perfect but to remain consistent; to be loyal to our higher path. I'm not just doing this for me; I'm doing it so I can set an example for my future daughter. I'm doing this so I have the discernment to choose the best father possible for my kids. Through every block, delete, ignore and boundary we set, we move closer towards ours healing 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡