October: What It Looks like to Love Yourself

I've been asking myself this question for a while and after 29 years, I'm starting to figure it out. The next time I'm writing a blog, I'll be on a plane to Albania. Knowing that, I'm flooded with mixed emotions: excitement, eagerness, joy, fear, worry, and anxiety. This has been the best year of my life. I made my first 6 figures, traveled to 7 different countries, lived in Europe 4 months, and experienced freedom for the first time. But even though this was my favorite year to date, it was filled with more insecurity, adversity, tears, heartbreak, and panic than ever. This was a year of taking risks and chances I don't know how I mustered up the courage for. The bravery I've acquired has made me incredibly proud, but I'll admit taking these leaps of faith was not for the faint of heart. It required me to strengthen my trust muscle and learn what it means to listen to my intuition when self-doubt was my companion for the majority of my life. Growing up, I had zero stability and so naturally, the one thing I've always craved is security. The amount of up-leveling I've done, specifically since I returned home has been massive. I can sense the enormous shifts but to explain, let me take you back to July...

I returned home after 10 weeks in Europe with my heart to my knees. My rejection wound was repeatedly triggered so much the past 6 months I think I might explode. I've hit rock bottom and don't know where to go next. I know I want to live in Spain but I don't know how. I'm 29 years old and not financially established or prospering in my career like I'm told I should. Heck, I went for my doctoral degree and quit a safe job with a steady income so I could solo travel and everyone thinks I am being impulsive and careless. I can't find any man who will commit, let alone take me seriously. My friendships are subpar, my mental health is spiraling because of how depressed and lost I feel. My life is the definition of mediocre and I don't know why it's so hard for a person to find fulfillment. Is living out your life purpose really too much to ask? I don't know where I'll go next but all I know is I'm tired of living a passionless, meaningless existence. Everything is bare minimum fine and maybe I should just be happy with that. Everyone around me seems to be satisfied with settling for fine...

It's now October and I feel much empathy for the person I was three months ago. Since experiencing my dark knight of the soul this summer I decided something had to change and that something was me. I decided to take dating off the table, for one. My drug of choice was men, particularly men to whom I was invisible and felt the compulsion to chase or beg to want me. Having not slept with or talked to anyone since June has been one of the wisest decisions I've made in a really long time. Interpersonal connections have always been a pain point; it appeared my relationships were just as unhealthy as I was. It seemed I was surrounded by toxic, dysfunctional people no matter where I went. I now see the environment in which I was drawn to or magnetized, in this case, abusive, one-sided relationships, were simply a mirror reflection of the conditional love I was offering myself. Because you are your point of attraction, if you want to have better relationships, the key is to start building the relationship you have with you. This year was an intense reminder that I can change everything on the outside, my location, looks, job, income, partner... but if my inner condition stays the same, all will remain unchanged. Because I was no longer distracted by emotionally unavailable men, I decided it was time to take a long, hard look at the other relationships in my life. Interestingly enough, my friendships portrayed a similar dynamic in that I felt unreciprocated, used, or drained. Even though I was lonely and had a long history with several of my so-called friends, I knew deep within that the right thing to do was to end these life-taking relationships. Sure, my friends weren't bad people and I did truly care for them. And sure, I feel bad for letting people go who I felt relied on me but that was the thing, why should I feel guilty for releasing people who didn't meet me halfway? They were getting their emotional needs met by me, but I was deriving nothing from the friendship. I could've sucked it up and stayed because I was afraid to hurt their feelings or rock the boat, or I could do what was right for me and walk away. So with that, I said goodbye to not one but three life-taking relationships even though I loved them. And if you think that's all, it doesn't end. The universe had A LOT of clearing out to do and it hit every angle.

After recently leaving a job last week, I am jobless once again. I don't know the next time I'll be employed but I do have faith I made room for something better. In hindsight, I noticed all the reasons I stayed were coming from a place of lack and scarcity. What if nothing better comes along? What if nothing else is out there for me and this is all there is? I recall this pattern of staying in relationships for far too long, fearing it was the best I could do. I know without a doubt this is a distorted, highly limiting belief. I'm impressed I took a stand to my old, small way of living, the part of me that wouldn't have left, and decided to say not anymore, this no longer serves me and I choose to surrender it. I believe the universe has my back and God will figure out a way to meet my needs, no matter how scary it feels now. It boils down to uncertainty, in all these transitions there's only one guarantee, uncertainty. That's why it's so uncomfortable, because we don't know what to expect, so we do the expected thing, even if it doesn't light us up because familiarity provides us with a false sense of safety. So, what does it look like to love yourself? Well, there's no simple answer. It takes work, practice, and patience over time. Loving yourself means committing to yourself time and time again. Doing right by yourself even if it means other people won't agree. Choosing yourself above all else even when people judge or criticize your choice to do so. Loving yourself for me means I no longer settle for just enough. Self-love is an unwavering devotion to following your heart, despite all evidence that tries to convince you that you can't believe in yourself. It's not a one-time event, it's a long-term dedication. Sure, we can do loving things for ourselves like get a massage or repeat affirmations, but until we acknowledge our worth, we will continue to shrink ourselves to make others comfortable or accept poor treatment since deep down we feel it's the best we can do, and that's not self-loving. I've had to be hit over the head that nothing in my life will improve until I make the active decision to stop abandoning myself. To quit betraying myself in hopes it will appease other people. In the past three months, it has looked like cutting ties with people who depended on me to support them, even if it meant overlooking my own needs. Although I knew these people would view me as the bad guy, it didn't matter because the only person I owe anything to is me. It looked like blocking someone I kept in contact with after they assaulted me because I was trauma-bonded and didn't want to upset them even though they violated me on many levels. It meant enjoying being single and taking the time to date, get to know, and securely attach to myself, even when temptation arose. It looks like saying no, (a lot) and not apologizing for taking space or setting boundaries. All in all, it's stepping outside your comfort zone and doing the hard thing the old version of you wouldn't because they second-guessed themselves. It's taking note of when we are operating out of our triggers and choosing to wound ourselves through self-sabotage. It's determining that being with somebody who makes you hate yourself is a form of self-destruction and no matter how much you love them, nobody is worth losing yourself. It's promising yourself to not answer that person, no matter how charming, who ghosted you and only wants you when it's convenient for them because you know how much you have to offer. It's not easy, but over time, it gets simpler. I respect myself more than I ever have. I'm taking inspired action that aligns with a person who values themselves. In moments of confusion, I ask, what would the best version of me do? And then I do it. (If it's not a hell yes, it's a no)

Loving yourself is the quest of a lifetime, and so is healing. Although it is very possible, I don't think it ever ends. But as long as we remain true to ourselves and can be our own biggest supporter, we are on the right track. So what does it mean to love yourself? I'm still on a mission to find out but I'll keep doing the next right thing and in that, I don't think I can do it wrong. Know that something bigger is waiting for you on the other side of a tough decision. Know that you deserve all you desire for yourself. Today I feel lucky to be me. I feel grateful to be alive and I plan on watching all my wishes turn into reality. We don't need to be Wonder Woman to accomplish all our goals. We need to connect to our highest self and validate her. We need to become our own best friend and reclaim our voice. When we take back our power, we're on the way to self-love. With love, we are on the road to achieving our dreams.