30 Lessons for Valentine's Day

I’ve technically been single for almost two years. My last serious relationship lasted from 2020 to 2022 but if you count my long-distance situationship it has been about a year. In lieu of the “holiday,” I wanted to make a dating-inspired post for all my wonderful people who are solo dating themselves this Valentine’s Day. This doesn’t mean feeling sorry for ourselves or coming from a place of self-pity; it means being empowered by knowing we have a choice and deciding to be mindfully single since we know the right relationship is worth holding out for. Dating at 30 looks and feels A LOT different from dating at 20. In my early 20’s I was a giant red flag. Dating from a mindless, unintentional, traumatized place of low self-worth. I allowed my wounds to take the driver's seat and so I entertained abuse and disrespect. I tolerated dysfunction because it was comfortable and “normal” to me. It felt familiar, it felt like home because it was all that I had known. I had no regard for myself or my body and so I went for any and everyone that showed the slightest bit of interest, even if it was insincere. I allowed myself to be used because I felt lucky enough to be chosen, even if that person was a narcissist (I use that word carefully). Quantity mattered more than quality. I chased red flags. Codependency was my middle name. I prioritized them over everything in my life, thereby losing myself, my sanity, and most importantly, my dignity in every relationship I entered. I had so much internalized self-disgust, that I longed after people who treated me with hatred simply because they were a mirror to my own self-loathing. Luckily for me, I have learned a thing or two I wanted to share in hopes you can see what took me nearly thirty years to; the person who should be number one in your life is you.

1. You go for emotionally unavailable people because you are emotionally unavailable.

2. Dressing trashy attracts higher quantities of men but class draws in high-quality men.

3. Rejection is not personal and anybody who can’t see your value isn’t worth your time

4. You will never need to try hard or beg for the right person to want you. Recognize your worth so that nothing anyone can say or do will affect your sense of self.

5. When you love yourself so much you don’t need to seek praise on the outside to affirm your desirability. You obtain all the validation you need internally.

6. Operating out of my masculine energy: I used to be in a constant state of being the pursuer. Now I can see how that attracted men who were in their toxic masculinity or high feminine energy. Because I am a very feminine woman, I prefer men who are in touch with their divine masculine. If I wanted to date someone with more feminine energy, I’d rather just date a woman. When it comes to men, I have been learning to allow myself to sit back and receive with no guilt, simply because I can.

7. It’s better to walk away at the first sight of a red flag. You are NOT Bob the builder. You can not fix them. Giving dozens of chances leads us down a road to nowhere. Instead of hoping they change, find someone who isn't a project.

8. Never sacrifice yourself to protect another person's feelings. By always saying yes to keep the peace and over-apologizing, you are allowing the other person to see you as lesser than. We get the treatment that we tolerate.

9. Whereas I used to be all for friends with benefits and hookups in my early and mid-twenties, I now require a person to invest in me and earn my intimacy over time.

10. Denial and ignoring intuition used to be my greatest talent. Now I try to learn from my past mistakes and do the opposite of what my old self would’ve done. Your inner knowing is always right. Stop lying to yourself just because you want to be wrong about them.

11. When you people please because you want to be viewed as “nice” you will attract people who will happily take advantage of you. Now I don’t give a flying fuck if I offend anyone or am the villain in a person's story as long as I have stayed true to myself.

12. If you try to save a traumatized person, you will end up being traumatized. It’s not your job to rescue anybody from themselves.

13. Stop over-giving in hopes it’ll keep someone from leaving you. This is the greatest form of self abandonment and you know what hurts more in the long run than a person abandoning you? Losing yourself. You must develop trust and mutual respect first so that you may equally give what is rightfully earned.

14. You settle for the bare minimum because you feel lesser than and inferior. At 29, I’m a lot harder to impress than I was at 19 because I’ve seen it all before. Be different.

15. No more believing words over actions. Consistency and integrity is key. Nothing is sexier than someone you can rely on who sticks to their word.

16. That intense, sexual chemistry and immediate spark is a trap. If you chase the lust, the flame will burn out quicker than it started. Allow people to grow on you over time. The slow burn is more dependable for something stable and long-lasting.

17. Appearance and physical attractiveness are important but it’s fleeting. Being hot won’t make someone a good husband/wife. Look for commonalities in morals, values, and lifestyle. What are their hopes and dreams? I now prefer healthy, cute, humble, and ambitious to fit, rich and tall. Besides, a person can become better looking the more you vibe with them on a mental/emotional and energetic level.

18. I never fight to prove my worth anymore. If you don’t see what I have to offer, you are giving the ICK. Goodbye.

19. Games are for children, not mature adults. I hate the whole playing cat and mouse, who texts first, who cares less. I’m over inauthenticity. If you can not communicate like a grown-ass person, then you are not for me. State your intentions from the get-go. It’ll save you a lot of time.

20. Quit trying to impress the opposite sex with your looks. When I stopped placing so much importance on being “sexy” or “perfect” enough to get a boyfriend, I realized that being pretty is the least interesting thing about me and the most beautiful thing I can do is be my authentic self.

21. Be so fulfilled and happy alone that you don’t rush into partnership. Now I will only entertain a person who adds immense value to my life so I take things slow. Good things are worth waiting for!

22. I used to cry over losing people but now I smile knowing what’s meant for me won’t miss me and anyone who easily slips away is a gift. Trust God's plan.

23. Connecting over past traumas shouldn’t be the basis of your connection. Most, if not all of my exes and I trauma bonded over our insecure attachment. If someone is not actively working on themselves or in therapy, they will project their unhealed insecurities onto you.

24. I used to only think of the present when I was dating and I would tell myself they’re good enough “for now”. Now I ask myself, will this person allow me to grow and achieve the future I envision for myself?

25. Being good in bed used to be good enough for me. FYI, a good sex life won’t raise your children.

26. I used to crave a partner because I was afraid to be alone. Not wanting to be lonely isn't a good reason to date somebody. Things start to shift when you recognize you can give yourself everything you want from another person, and then some.

27. Mixed messages are messages in themselves. If you have to wonder where you stand in their life, you are not important enough for them and they don’t deserve your attention. Accept that you're not for everyone, and that's OK.

28. Raise your standards. It’s not enough for a guy to be nice, funny, and cute anymore. That’s the bare minimum for me. As cool as it is, being nice won't pay the bills. Add more qualifiers to your list of eligible partners. It’s not too much to ask. Everything I want from a potential significant other, I know I can offer too.

29. A person doesn’t have to be perfect, but they should bring more peace, not chaos and drama, into your life. You must reflect if their baggage is something you can handle and are willing to take on. 

30. It’s not modest to see the best in people. Take them for face value right now. Who is the person standing in front of you? That’s who you get, not their potential.

They say that your twenties are the best years of your life but happily for me, I’m just getting started. My early 20s were not my prime. I am fortunate enough to have gone through many adversities and failures in the past 10 years because I feel closer to myself than ever before. I find myself being increasingly attracted to green flags and attracting higher quality people who align more with the life I envision. The biggest change is going for quality over quantity and making myself my top priority. Through this alone, misaligned people fall away. Although I am not actively dating, the work I have done in the last decade has been a journey of extraordinary healing and inner transformation because of the endless mistakes I have made. I know everyone and everything I manifest into my experience is just data; it’s an external representation of how I feel about myself. Whereas in the past, I used to put the responsibility on others for ghosting me or treating me like shit, I now take full accountability for how and who I let into my life. For this reason, I am a million times more selective and intentional with my time, energy, and attention. I’m still a work in progress and I notice when my shadow is trying to run the show and return to a place of victimhood, but my new motto is, if I’m not a HELL YES for you, then you are a FUCK NO for me. It has been a weeding-out process and maybe I have a lot fewer options now than I did before but it’s not because I am inadequate in any way, shape, or form. It’s because I’ve gotten a lot harder to manipulate. If I can leave you with anything it’s this… value yourself more. Don’t settle for breadcrumbs or being somebody’s “sometimes”. If someone doesn’t text me every day, I assume they are not interested and I lose interest because it’s a turn-off. What are your non-negotiables? Get clear. Don’t allow everyone to have access to you. Be selective. Only give what is reciprocated. Date for your future self: will this person lift you up or drag you down? Put yourself on a pedestal because it is a privilege for someone to have you in their life. When we say no to low-effort people, we are saying yes to something greater. So this Valentine's Day I am solo dating and I plan to spend it with the love of my life, myself.