December: If You Want to Find Your Soulmate...

“I recall the first time I saw him. It was a sunny afternoon in June. I was wearing a leopard swimsuit and a straw hat. I called dibs. It wasn’t instant, but I remember thinking he was into me and when he held me in his arms and looked into my eyes, I felt intrigued. He kissed me but I didn’t feel butterflies, instead, repulsion. He was young and it was just fun. We couldn’t understand each other but he was cute and seemed nice enough. Two days before we met I made a wish at the Trevi fountain that I would meet my soul mate. He was the first person I ever slept with the day we met and by the end of the night, I was falling in love. We stayed up until he had to leave for work, talking about life. He showed me his family and where he came from. I was hooked by the end of the week. My friend didn’t see anything special but in him, I saw the moon and stars. If I was the earth, he became my sun and for the next year everything revolved around him.”

Once again, I’m on a flight to Italy. Rome for me is bittersweet. It happens to be one of my favorite cities, next to Madrid and Durres. People say Paris is the most romantic city in the world, but I disagree. I’m surprised by how in love I am with Rome, despite everything that transpired there. It’ll be the fourth time I’ve gone in a little over a year and when I think of it, I think of falling in love, having my heart broken, beautiful memories, ugly moments, plenty of smiles, and endless tears. There was a time I swore I’d never go back because I associated Rome with someone who had hurt me time and time again, so it felt somewhat ruined. This time last year, I left for Rome because I wanted to bring in the new year with the so-called “love of my life” only to be left sobbing in my 800$ Airbnb I got for us as I heard the happy New Year's fireworks going off while my hearts desire left me to hang with his friends. The next day, I left for Greece with my shattered heart and cried every day for the next 7 weeks.

In April I left again from New York to Rome, this time to au pair for 5 weeks. I thought I was over him, so I wasn’t worried. “I won’t see him” I promised my therapist, and myself. “That’s what every addict says right before they’re going to use” my counselor assured me. But he was wrong, I was strong and over him, there’s no way I’d go back after what he did. It took about 2 days before I made my way to Trevi and the second I saw him I knew I didn’t stand a chance. Fuck, I thought to myself. I tried to convince myself I had moved on, but this time when he ignored me for over a month, I had flashbacks of New Year's, when I felt rejected, invisible, and completely worthless. The next few weeks would consist of me Tindering in attempts to numb my distress and distract myself from the crippling pain. I lay in bed at night weeping, wondering why I was so unlovable, why nobody I picked ever picked me back. What was so wrong with me? I couldn’t figure out why I had to try so hard to be liked…

It took just 10 days before I found someone I would later go on to develop feelings for; only to be left devastated when this person broke my heart by way of using me which left me with mountains of shame and humiliation. After him came another: who treated me so poorly that by the time I returned home to the USA, my fear of being repulsive and inadequate was only strengthened. I couldn’t make sense of it, I was a good person, great, actually; my heart was huge, I was kind, intelligent… I had all these good qualities (or so I thought) and yet every time I hand my heart to someone, they make me feel unwanted, valueless, and foolish.

I vowed to myself when I came home from London that I would take dating and sex off the table entirely for the duration of 2023. Clearly, I was the common denominator and I was determined to fix the issue, me. Why was I so attracted to emotionally unavailable (and unstable) men? What turned me on about narcissists? Why did I always chase people and feel the need to win their love, fight for their approval, beg for their attention, and the bare minimum? What about me felt inferior? What was manifesting this dynamic of feeling powerless and small? How come I ignored the red flags and always lost myself in “love”? What part of me was programmed to be drawn to people who couldn’t reciprocate? I was operating from a wounded place and I knew that if I stood a fighting chance of ever being in a healthy, happy relationship, I needed to heal the gaping hole in my heart that repeated the cycle of dysfunction.

So I deleted all the apps. I didn’t swipe let alone talk to anybody. I was proud of myself for deliberately choosing to be alone and abstinent for the first time in a while. I did therapy, EMDR, I read self-help books religiously, listened to personal development podcasts, I spent endless time with myself. I journaled, meditated, yoga-ed, and concentrated on building friendships. I thought I was doing all of the right things and then… I left for Spain. I knew in Spain there would be temptation, I foreshadowed it being hard because, well, have you seen the men in Spain? It’s kind of comical how good-looking people can be, I mean actually, it’s ridiculous. Everywhere I look, the men, the women, the buildings, the food, everything in this country is God damn beautiful. But I told myself no, I had to refrain. I had to wait until January because although I thought I made progress during the last 5 months, what if I wasn’t ready? I’d like to find love, but I’m scared of falling back into old habits. After about 24 hours I had downloaded Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble. I was curious and although I hate dating apps, I wanted to see what was out there. Maybe I am ready, I told myself, maybe it’s time to put myself back out there. Or not…

The first “date” I went on in Barcelona, (if you can even call it that), the moron had the clever idea of using our time together to do a business call and pick up his friend from the airport. “Next time I’ll take you to dinner” he reassured me. There wasn’t and will never be a next time, goodbye and blocked. The second one wasn’t much better. I met this Spanish Italian (my weakness) while I was out with my girlfriend and everything about him screamed red flag which fascinated me that much more. My gut told me no but my vagina told me yes. And so I agreed to go out only to wait around for 2 hours and get stood up. I can’t say I was surprised and while I knew it was for the best, I still felt pretty bummed; mostly because of how much time I took getting ready and money wasted on a blowout. Another one bites the dust. After that I felt pretty defeated, not just by my disappointment in Catalan men but with myself for once again, failing at missing the warning signs (or blatantly ignoring them). There was one last guy and he told me he wanted what I wanted, something committed. And so I told myself this would be the final date and if it failed then it would be the last one for quite some time. Maybe third times a charm but this date actually went well. He seemed sweet and even though there wasn’t much immediate sexual attraction or physical chemistry, I told myself this is what’s best because anytime I felt instant sparks it also led to instant heartache. Give the nice guy a chance, I advised myself.

That leads me here, on a plane to Italy with simultaneous excitement and ambivalence. I’m looking forward to being in one of my favorite places on Earth but also nervous for what it could bring. About 10 days ago, my ex-lover (remember New Year’s Eve?) reached out apologizing for breaking my heart. “Are you seeing anyone? It’s not you, it’s me, you’re perfect...” After replying that I only view him platonically, I got blocked. Man… the second you stop wanting someone that’s when they want you. I knew this game because he’d played it before; the minute I quit chasing him, he circles back like a boomerang. Last night I prayed I muster up the wisdom to not see him, because I worry if I do, it’ll repeat the past. It’s taken 7 months to fall out of love with this person and despite still caring about him, I really can’t afford to ever see him again. Sometimes I still miss the fantasy, lust, and infatuation of who I wished he would be and what I hoped we could be, but the missing doesn’t hurt anymore. I think that’s progress.

For 6 months I’ve been celibate and although I’ve had a few casual dates here and there, I’ve sincerely enjoyed my time alone. I don’t think the question of whether or not to date after a bad experience, breakup, whatever your case may be, is important. What matters is the why. Why are you doing it? Are you dating to forget about the emptiness in your soul? Are you looking for someone to get over somebody else? Do you think by finding “the one” you’ll be more important or gain significance? Do you feel badly about yourself so all you want is to be desired? If these are your motivations I’m here to tell you it’ll never work. The first step to finding love is falling in love with yourself. I know this because I’d done everything backward. I believed if only I found somebody who chose me, then I’d feel deserving of love because I couldn’t for the life of me, see any good in myself. But until we love ourselves unconditionally, we’ll only ever match people who want us with conditions, leaving us feeling more broken than before.

Being single takes courage, but it also takes bravery to put yourself back out there and open yourself up for heartbreak. It takes strength to allow ourselves to be seen, to put our hearts on the line takes tremendous vulnerability and I think that’s why most people won’t do it. They remain detached, disconnected and avoid the possibility of being hurt because it’s easy. They choose to close themselves (and their hearts) off, thinking they’re protecting themselves when really all they’re doing is causing more harm. Being partnered doesn’t guarantee not being lonely. When I got out of my last relationship I was so confused and intimidated on how to be single again because for two years I was with somebody every day, or at least talking from the moment I woke to the minute I fell asleep. I was scared to be alone because I associated it with loneliness, but with that person, I felt more lonely than I ever did by myself. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to choose ourselves and leave…

I don’t know what the future holds. I’d love nothing more than to find my special someone; a long-term relationship that leads to settling down and starting a family. I have no doubt there will be bumps along the way but I’d rather be hurt courageously trying than staying “safe” without the balls to try at all. I know it’s possible for me and I trust it’s possible for us all. The problem isn’t you; it’s not the opposite sex or whoever you go for. The issue is when we abandon ourselves in the name of winning somebody’s approval. It’s sacrificing ourselves to gain acceptance. If I continue to dismiss my inner knowing, I will continue to follow a road that leads nowhere. To date or not to date isn’t the question, because, in actuality, we may never feel ready. I notice people don’t take chances because of the potential they’ll go wrong. Risks may not always pan out but they always pay off because they offer us an opportunity to learn something about ourselves. Only you know what is right for you and when in doubt, turn within because the guidance you seek is patiently waiting inside. You are the solution, you are the answer to your prayers. So if you want to find your soulmate, have a close look in the mirror.

♥️