January: The Loneliness in Healing

I've been putting off writing this article for a while. It’s not because I don’t enjoy writing; on the contrary, there is little in life that brings me greater joy than writing. But rather because I wasn’t sure what to talk about. So much has transpired over the past few weeks since my first blog post and the release of my website. Presently I am looking out an airplane window gazing over the gorgeous mountains of Portugal. I just left París and Lisbon soon awaits me.

I planned a solo trip to explore various countries in Europe. I have since called this my single honeymoon trip after meeting a lovely soul from Japan that coined this phrase. Now we know the expectations people have attached to their honeymoon and other big life events. They tell you to go into things with no expectations but sometimes that feels nearly impossible when our brains are wired to predict and anticipate the future. I will say I had low expectations when it came to Paris so I was pleasantly surprised when my experience far outweighed these negative assumptions. My time there superseded what I figured would be a cool view of the Eiffel Tower. Day 6 I cried tears of joy when I had a somatic heart healing in the Tuileries Garden. But I’ll take you back to two weeks ago…

It’s Sunday, (New Year’s Day) and I am on a flight heading to Athens. I didn’t want to go to Greece because it meant leaving Italy behind. I went to Rome to visit someone that over the course of 6 months I had fallen deeply for. Being continents apart from your hearts desire is hard to say the least, and so the 6 months prior I was eagerly awaiting reuniting at the Trevi fountain. Extremely long story short, I ignored 8,000 red flags and ended up getting my heart completely broken when Mr. Albania turned out to be just like every other unsuspecting narcissist before him (although he was the only one I traveled 10,000 miles for).

So I’m on my way to Greece, broken-hearted, ruining my makeup from the night before through my tears, knowing this would be the last time I saw him. Not only that, but if I had an ounce of self respect in my body, he’d never hear from me again. Although I couldn’t quite bring myself to block him, deep down I knew it was over and it hurt like HELL.

I had high expectations for Greece, and I was deeply humbled when Athens didn’t meet any of them. Not that my 5 days there weren’t beautiful in their own unique way (I had a rock bottom, eye opening, break down) but I didn’t anticipate feeling so tested and challenged this soon into my trip. All the emotions were rising to the surface and I panicked. After sobbing for 5 days straight and googling return flights to go home 8 weeks sooner than planned, a friend gently reminded me that the discomfort I was feeling would not be left in Greece. “But I’m so unhappy here” I told her “and you’re so unhappy there too” she softly reassured me. She was right. My attempts at running away from the emptiness I felt in America followed me. When I realized that, I felt defeated. This is all so hopeless, I thought. Here I am, on this vacation, a trip of a lifetime I should be grateful for, and I’m still miserable. What is the point of it all? Is there anything in life that will ever make me happy?

Nobody tells us how lonely healing can be. They don’t speak about how messy it is. We often expect our healing journey to look a certain way and if/when it doesn’t, we feel like we must be doing something wrong. We think we're a failure if we are “taking too long” or make that same mistake we've convinced ourselves we should’ve learned already. I should this, I should’ve that, I should be here, I should look this way, I should be over this by now. And on and on it goes...

My expectations told me I should feel happy, excited, and overjoyed throughout this solo trip. They said that if I felt any discomfort or uncertainty, then I was ungrateful and taking my blessings for granted. But I trust the “negative”, tough and trying emotions that feel shitty are just as necessary and beautiful as the ones that feel good. We don’t grow if we always get our way. If things were easy 24/7 how would we develop, or cultivate resilience, strength, bravery and fortitude? My courage has been the result of adverse circumstances that I have proved to myself I can overcome.

Our path to healing may at times feel frustrating, discouraging, never-ending and brutal. The road to recovery might seem daunting, impossible and some nights you might want to throw in the towel. But it is worth it. Because along the journey, you find the way back home to yourself. You may feel lonely and isolated some days, and that is perfectly fine. Because one day, you wake up and realize you were never really alone at all. You were always there, right by your side.

Much love, Lauren