November: Everything Can be Healed

I've been putting off writing this for quite some time because seemingly, I have so much to say yet nothing at all. The last 8 weeks of my life have taken a drastic turn since the last time I posted. On October 3rd I had a minor outpatient procedure which appeared harmless enough. I never could’ve expected that in the following 2 months, my life would be flipped upside down. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say that within several days after my surgery, my health spiraled and since then I’ve been mending myself back together.

To sum it up, in a matter of days, my entire body began shutting down and it was by far, the scariest month of my life. To not know what’s going on, to feel so utterly powerless and helpless in your body is defeating, to say the least. A myriad of emotions flooded me; frustration, fear, regret, resentment, anger, and hopelessness. Here it was October and I was supposed to be moving to Spain in a few weeks. I had a trip planned to travel to Albania and Italy beforehand yet I couldn’t get out of bed, not to mention going to the hospital and ER to seek answers no one could provide. I was in and out of the doctor every day; one MRI, CT scan, and ultrasound after the next. Systemically, I was having chronic symptoms but despite numerous blood and urine tests, everything came back normal. I was thankful for this and simultaneously, discouraged. I knew something was wrong but nobody could tell me exactly what. I felt like a guinea pig, a lab rat being gaslit and crazy... was it all in my head? Despite all the money and my pending excitement the last 5 months, with my deteriorating physical state, I had to eat the loss and cancel my flight. My heart felt broken, I was looking forward to this since June, why was shit hitting the fan just weeks before I was set to leave? Why did I do this to myself? Why does everything bad that can happen always happen to me? Why does nothing ever work out? Does God hate me? Despite 15 years of spiritual practice, I did NOT feel like the universe was on my side and I certainly did not trust there was a deeper meaning to my impending downfall. It seemed life was playing tricks or punishing me for some past life karmic bullshit I couldn’t understand.

After desperately searching for answers, the week before Barcelona, the neurologist cleared me to go. It was intimidating and nerve-wracking because it wasn’t like I was just planning a holiday. This time, I was moving my life over to another country, on another continent for who knows how long, all by myself. The happiness and gratitude I felt weeks before now loomed over me, I felt dread, anxiety, and unsafe. The entire month was hard enough but now I’ll have to struggle without my friends or family's support. I have Spanish health insurance but the last thing I wanted to do was start from scratch, having to explain everything in a language I'm not fluent in. Not to mention, when will I find the time? I didn’t know what to do but I did know I didn’t want to leave like this. I told myself I would try because I knew if I didn’t go, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I left my job, sold my car, and planned an entire year around this. So despite my reservations and compromised state, I braced myself and took a one-way flight to Barcelona.

To say I’ve been living my best life is a stretch. Yes, the days have been eventful and I've been able to enjoy myself. But what you don't see behind the fun photos on Instagram is the sleepless nights, constant pain, and invisible battles I'm fighting every day to keep myself afloat. I’m thankful I mustered up all the strength I could to get here but to call it uncomfortable would be a massive understatement. I’m still dealing with symptoms daily, I still feel at best a 5 (or 6) out of 10. But I’m trying my best to live like a normal human and embrace my time here, especially since so much money and effort went into it. I haven’t been able to prioritize my self-care for the past 17 days so that’s been a huge challenge but I am doing what I can. So since I’m not on here for pity or to complain, I wanted to share my insights and the lessons this chapter of my life is teaching me.

What the hardest month of my life showed me:

1. It’s time to end the war on my body. My whole life I’ve been fighting against my form. Being a taller, larger girl is something I witnessed society and others around me reject, so in turn, I developed the belief that the way I appeared was unacceptable. I did everything I could to “fix” the problem (me) and even tried to change things that weren’t in my control. It led me to dark, scary, and extreme measures which ultimately resulted in where I am today; triggering the onset of an autoimmune condition called interstitial cystitis, which I will talk about in another blog or podcast.

2. Beauty is meaningless if you don’t have your health. Wellness and vitality are the most critical elements of what makes a person beautiful. It’s not worth sacrificing your well-being to try to look a certain way (AKA, THROW OUT THE OZEMPIC)

3. Everything will pass

4. The support of family and friends is live-saving

5. You have the power to heal or destroy your body.

6. Never let anybody tell you that your body is turning against you. Our bodies love us and are on our side. They’re always trying to help up, their job is to return to a balanced, homeostatic state

7. You are the answer you’ve been searching for

8. Everything we do has consequences even if we can’t see them right away

9. Our thoughts are constantly creating our reality

10. Symptoms are your body speaking to you. If you don’t listen when your body talks to you, it’ll get to a point where it screams and you have no choice but to listen.

11. There are times for rest and there are times for action. Both are vital for symbiosis. Don’t let people fool you into thinking "no days off” is what’s best. What works for one person might not work for you

12. Life is an experiment. Every day we have another chance to explore and figure ourselves out. It is a constant process and we must be patient.

13. Be thankful for now, because tomorrow everything could be different

14. When looking back, the little things really are the big things

15. Life is a gift and health is a privilege, do not take it for granted.

I'm sure I could think of 20 more but I’m still navigating my new condition and going through the ups and downs in the gentlest way I know how. Above all else, it’s been immensely humbling and eye-opening to realize that none of us are bulletproof or immortal; being in your twenties doesn’t make you immune to the realities of life, unfortunately. But if we can approach each new day with an open mind and see it as an opportunity to connect with ourselves, health challenges don’t need to be death sentences. While difficult, and often defeating, they are opportunities to practice compassion and offer us the ability to draw closer to ourselves if we let them.

Despite the hell I've gone through since October, I am aiming to view this as a blessing. The body is constantly shifting and working for us. Instead of fighting it, allow yourself to change and appreciate it. If we move through the highs and lows with grace, we won't crash, but we'll come to a soft and stable landing. I presently am working with an integrative doctor and naturopathic herbalist/acupuncturist to heal my body from the inside out. I am not letting a label or diagnosis define me. There's a sort of ignorance when you don't live with a chronic health condition or pain. But instead of letting it get me down and envying people who can live their lives carefree, I will instead, give myself the gift of forgiveness. While I may not be fully recovered by tomorrow, I believe with enough empathy and self-love, anything can be healed.