The Shedding Period

There's a quote that says "anything you can lose was never yours to keep in the first place"

At least I think it goes something like that. I told this to myself at least 10 times last night as I sat crying on my bedroom floor, phone in hand. My trip to Italy started as a good, promising time and I was hopeful it would end in just as much excitement rather than tears. Yet, I'm here wishing I never even went to Rome in the first place. My heart is down to my knees, feeling distraught, used, and foolish. I've lost a lot this week; not only a friend and another person I saw potential in to be different but also my pride, dignity, and self-respect (which is much worse than a boy). If I've learned anything in this life it's that guys come and go but your integrity is what you need to live with forever. People will betray you but what matters is the promises you keep to yourself. I wrote this in my journal yesterday...

"I don’t know what I thought would happen. It’s too much work for these guys to communicate and be honest apparently but I don’t know why I’m always the girl pursuing and never the girl pursued. Joey liked me until I liked him back. When it got real and became serious, he got scared and left me. They're fine with fucking but the minute you show emotional attachment they run like scared little boys. Why do I continue to chase after dudes who have nothing to offer me besides a fun night? How can I be so easily disposable and forgotten? I know better. I knew better. And I need to start learning from my mistakes. I thought better of Ricky, but he’s a letdown like the rest of them. I won’t have sex again anytime soon because men will never know what it feels like to give someone a part of you you can't get back and once it's gone, so are they. Men say women use them for money but being used for your body is a million times worse because it's a piece of you. It's hard for me to distinguish someone's intentions; they all seem genuine but when push comes to shove, people are insincere. They make you feel a certain way until they get what they want and then they don't care anymore. You're nothing to them and you never were, except a hunk of flesh for them to get off to. And for this reason, I don't trust men and I don't think I will sleep with anyone again until I'm in a committed, serious relationship. If it's too much for them to wait, then I know they only want something from me. I have hesitation about this because it makes me doubt anyone would ever want me if they can't fuck me, but I guess it's for the best because it will make the players lose interest and I know I am worth waiting for. I have more important things to offer than my body and I'm sick of people viewing me as an object they can benefit from without any consideration of my feelings. I don’t believe a thing they say at this point. They do all the right things in the beginning because they know that's how they get into your pants. Men say women are manipulative but what the fuck do you call that? I doubt every last one of them. I don't want to be cynical but I hate them. How can you appear like a good, decent, harmless guy but in actuality be a douchebag. It would be one thing if it was one time, but since Nick and I broke up 2 years ago, it's like every man I date is looking to waste my time and play with my feelings. I don’t understand what it is with this generation. How do they not care? How do they just disappear? How do they give so little fucks? Does nobody talk? Can no one apologize? Is it easier to ghost someone than it is to be upfront? Are they too cool? Is loving someone not popular anymore? Why is everyone avoidant as hell? Guys complain there are no good girls out there yet when they have a loyal, wholesome woman they dispose of them and continue swiping on fake bitches thinking they have better options. If you want a one-night stand just say it. Don't trick me into thinking differently because in today's day and age, there's a million and one girls who are OK with it but I'm not. It takes a lot of vulnerability for me to be physically intimate with someone. I give people the benefit of the doubt and want to see the best in them only to realize I shouldn't. I want more than someone's body. I want their heart. I want all of them, not a part. I deserve that"

When Joey (the f boy from Spain) accused me of "cheating" on him when I made friends with the guy sitting next to me on a plane, I tried to reassure him and calm his anxious attachment by validating his feelings. "Not everyone who cares about you is going to hurt you," I told him. This morning when I woke up, this quote echoed in my head. "Not every guy wants to hurt you, Lorena," I thought to myself. It seems simplistic yet hard to believe. I would have given up on love 15 years ago but the only reason I still believe in it is because of the way I love. I'm bitter and skeptical as all hell right now and I think if any guy were to try to make a move at this point I'd probably punch him in the face. I'm not sure if I feel more angry or sad, but either way, it's not a good feeling I enjoy. To make matters worse, I came home to endless rain in Barcelona. I felt like I was 21 again when I couldn't get out of bed due to crippling depression and a loss of the will to live. It seems extreme, I know, but the worst feeling I have ever known is that of rejection. The minute I feel unwanted, it triggers my core wound of abandonment which spirals me into a dark place. I can't recall a time in life that I didn't feel worthless, and these experiences confirm my deepest fear and limiting beliefs about being unlovable (which further manifests more situations where I am left feeling not enough). And so the cycle continues...

Last night I deleted my post "If Love is a Test, I Keep Failing" out of respect for someone I wrote it about. It's a shame because it was a brilliant article (if I do say so myself) and I put a lot of work and effort into writing and editing it. These blogs aren't just my personal thoughts but an art form; a creative outlet of self-expression for me to get things off my chest and in return, help others who can relate. I'm about as emotional as it comes, If I didn't write, my feelings would eat me alive. Luckily I'm a psychologist so I thankfully know how to regulate and control my moods which is the reason I'm still standing today. But yesterday took a toll, I'm not going to lie. As I looked out the bus window on my way to grab coffee with a friend, I felt a heaviness in that not only did I (once again) land in the same trap of falling for a cute smile, but I have now also lost a friend. Someone I wholeheartedly love and trust now hates me and thinks I'm a terrible person. Am I bad? Maybe I am horrible. I felt embarrassed and like I wanted to crawl under a hole and hide away from the world...

Part of growing older is making peace with the ebbs and flows of life. Although I do not particularly enjoy losing those I care about, I am willing to lose people if it means growing closer to myself. I truly don't believe we can "lose" anything that's meant for us. Enough time has passed for me to reflect and see that anyone who has left my life wasn't destined to be in it. Maybe they were for a small period, but it wasn't fate that they stayed in it. When my ex Nick and I broke up for the final time in 2022, I didn't know who I was without him. He was the man I thought I would marry, my best friend for 2 years. Despite him being abusive as shit, I was convinced he was my soulmate. Losing him was one of the best things that has happened to me and my life only improved because of it. As goes the same with my first love, Jack. I loved Jack more than I have ever loved anyone in the world. I would have given him my arms and legs if he needed it. Jack could do no wrong in my eyes (despite the fact he almost killed me and I ended up in the hospital because of him). For years, I tried to make things work. I tried to rescue him, I tried to fix myself, I tried to save us. I tried and I failed until I couldn't try anymore. I didn't see life without him and quite frankly, I didn't want to live a life that was without Jack. Thanks to losing him once and for all, I went on to finish two degrees, write 5 books, and help hundreds of people. Thanks to what I have lost, I have gained much more.

I can't say I have it all figured out. Hell, people that claim to know everything don't know shit. I know myself, and that's about it. And maybe I know a thing or two about life simply because of the (many) mistakes I've made. But something I do know is that anyone who leaves you isn't worth having. Whereas I used to try to convince people to see my value, I now simply allow them to think what they wish and let them go with grace. This period of my life is one of shedding. Out with the old and in with the new. Despite all the chaos this last week, I was offered a job after one year of being unemployed. I feel great relief and gratitude even though it's not the salary I wanted, it is something I am deeply thankful for. I am blessed with the opportunity to grow in my profession as a psychologist and work for a company that will save thousands of lives. When one door closes, another door opens.

I invite you to allow yourself to shed. Like a snake, let the old layers of who and what you once were fall away. Not just your past but who you have convinced yourself to be in your present. Sometimes it's not solely people we need to release but old ways of living and judgments of a version we used to be. Where are you settling for less than you deserve? Are you setting and sticking to boundaries? Step through your fear. Get rid of anything or anyone that doesn't serve your highest vision. Say no to old, low self-worth patterns and say yes to making decisions from a place of self-love. Do the opposite of what the past you would have done. This is where the real work lies. Also a caveat on resentment. It's OK to be upset, it's alright to be pissed off and it's normal to feel mad at the person or thing that has scorned you. But don't let it become you. Don't allow it to brainwash you into thinking all people or all things are XYZ type of way. I know too many people who got burned and they are convinced everyone is out to get them. I've been traumatized more than anyone I've met, yet for some reason, somehow, I refuse to let it win. I refuse to turn cold. I refuse to be like them. I don't let the hardness envelope me. I stay soft. I have faith that good, kind people still exist. I have faith that love is real. If I can do it, so can you. Forgive them, forgive the situation, and forgive yourself. After all, you lost them but they lost a person who loves them, so in the end, who really loses? If you keep your heart open, you haven't lost anything. Love always wins.