The Truth About Endings...

"It won’t come as a shock to anyone who reads this, but I’m en route to New York as I write this. It’s August 1st, and I’m leaving Barcelona to head back home to New York for the first time in months. I’ve been living in Europe since November, and the idea of coming back "home" to America for who knows how long is quite unsettling for me. It’s a big transition. As this chapter of my life comes to an end, I’m filled with grief, nostalgia, sadness, and a little bit of excitement. I could have stayed in Europe for several more months, but unfortunately, my savings have reached an all-time low, and I know the responsible thing to do would be to return home, (where I don’t need to pay rent), and work so I can save enough money to eventually return. My residency visa for Spain is processing, and when it will finalize is still to be determined.

While I feel relieved to be returning to see my family (it’ll be nice to have the comforts of home once more), I also feel overwhelmed by all the changes that have taken place over the last week. My heart is sore. I left Bari, which felt like a wish come true. I fell in love with someone I had no future with, and while I feel extraordinarily grateful for the last month, I’m devastated to be left empty-handed once again, with nothing to show for it. My core wound of not being enough to be chosen is activated, and the fact that I know I’ll never see this person again is tearing me apart.

I had to make a decision, and I decided the best thing I could do for myself was to remove all access to this person. I deleted my Instagram, which isn’t all that radical since I’m constantly on and off social media, hahaha. But I also changed my WhatsApp number so he couldn’t text me anymore. It hurt like hell and wasn’t easy, but I know deep down it’s the best course of action. He’ll never be mine, we’ll never be together, and I don’t see a point in wasting my time at this stage of my life anymore. Just because you love someone doesn’t make it enough. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you were meant to be together. I need to put my focus on a future that does (or could potentially) exist, rather than one that only exists in my mind.

Goodbyes have historically been my least favorite part of life. I’ve never been good at them, and nothing brings me more pain, especially when it comes to someone I love. To end the relationship all at once is easier for me than to watch it die and slowly wither away. I’ve been through it before, and it killed me. We went from talking every day, to once a week, to once a month, to never. When I left Italy in 2022, R was video chatting me every night, which then turned into a few times a week, which eventually became a couple of times a month. I couldn’t let it happen again—wondering if he would call. When E didn’t wish me goodnight or good morning two days ago, that was my sign that I had to rip off the Band-Aid right then and there. I’d rather die from a knife to the heart than endure a million little paper cuts.

My friends asked why I don’t just keep in contact, but it feels pointless. I want all of a person or none of them. Sure, the likelihood of me returning to Italy in several months is high, but what am I going to do? Visit him just so I have to lose him again? The truth is, if someone wants to be in your life, they’ll put themselves there. If something is meant to be, it won’t be so hard, and they’ll find their way back. I’m trusting God to let the pieces fall into place (or not). I’m trusting myself and not ignoring my intuition to release what doesn’t wish to be kept like last time. R never asked me to stay, but I did, and I ended up wasting the next year of my life trying to convince him to see my worth. I won’t do it again. When a carton of milk has reached its expiration date, we can try to prolong it and get sick, or we can throw it out and save ourselves a lot of suffering."

^ I wrote this in the notes on my phone when I was heading back to America in August. At the time, I was heartbroken and facing a turbulent month ahead. As I reread these words now, my heart is filled with both thankfulness and sadness. For a long time, my heart was closed, guarded, until I let someone in again back in July. It was a blessing, even though the goodbye brought pain. It became a necessary part of my story, allowing me to be vulnerable and learn what it felt like to feel safe in someone’s arms.

I’m grateful for that connection. To be seen and respected, even if it was brief, was a gift. The memory is something I cherish, even though the ending caused its share of hurt. Happiness and sorrow can coexist, and just because someone leaves our lives doesn’t mean their presence was a waste. They were part of our journey, and that in itself holds value.

I used to think that love meant never letting go. That if I loved someone enough, I could convince them to stay, to care, to make things work. I poured myself into relationships, thinking that if I just gave more of myself, then maybe it would be enough. But over time, I’ve come to realize that love isn’t about convincing anyone. It’s about accepting that some people are only meant to be with us for a season, and that’s okay.

There’s a certain freedom in releasing the need to hold on. It’s a lesson that’s taken me years to learn. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to let go. Letting go doesn’t mean you didn’t love them or that the connection wasn’t meaningful, it just means their role in your life has come to an end. And that’s not something to be mourned, but rather accepted as the ebb and flow of life.

We can’t force people to stay in our lives or love us the way we hope for. It's not their responsibility to live up to the expectation you created for them in your mind. Love isn’t about begging or pleading for someone to choose you. It’s about knowing your worth and trusting that those who are meant to be in your life will be there, effortlessly, without you having to twist yourself into someone you’re not.

The truth is, if someone is meant to be in your life, they won’t leave. You won’t have to convince them to love you because love, when it’s right, is freely given. Not everyone who enters our lives is meant to stay forever, and that’s a beautiful part of the human experience. We meet, we grow, we learn, and sometimes, we part ways. It doesn’t diminish the connection; it simply honors the reality that some people are with us only for a chapter, not the whole story.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, and a majority of our relationships will be temporary. We can use them as opportunities to love and their endings as an opportunity for reflection and gratitude. The truth about endings is that they are not failures, but part of the natural cycle of life; teaching us to cherish the time we have with people and to grow from the experience. Every ending is a chance to begin again, with a deeper understanding of ourselves and what we truly need. ❤️

XO,

Lorena