September: To My Inner Child...

Dear Lau-Lau,

Hello, my love. I want to apologize to you for so many things. I am sorry that you felt abandoned, alone, and afraid as a child. You felt lost, misunderstood, and invisible, believing no one cared about you. You were made to feel unlovable and as though something was wrong with you—but that was never true. I am sorry you thought you were unwanted, “given up,” when in reality, you were chosen by your birth mom and your adoptive parents. I know it didn’t feel that way at the time, but you have a purpose, and you were meant to be here...

I am sorry you felt like an outsider, like you didn’t fit in or belong. I know how isolating that felt. I am sorry for all the nights you cried yourself to sleep, dreaming of a different life, wishing you were someone else. I am sorry you never felt good enough, no matter what you did. I am sorry you were afraid of your parents and that your dad scared, threatened, and intimidated you. I am sorry he embarrassed and humiliated you, making you feel ashamed more times than you can count. I am sorry he called you fat, making you hate your body so much that you wished it would cease to exist.

I am sorry you were told that your feelings weren’t valid, that your emotions weren’t real, and that you were not allowed to say no. You are absolutely allowed to say no, and your truth matters. I am sorry you felt your voice wasn’t important and that you were silenced. I am sorry you were told your body wasn’t yours. Your body is yours and yours alone, and you have every right to grant, deny, or revoke permission. You are allowed to change your mind.

I am sorry you were made to believe that disappointing others made you a bad person. I am sorry you were called selfish for dreaming of a bigger, better life than your parents’. I am sorry you were shamed for wanting something different, something more for yourself. I am sorry you were labeled crazy, dramatic, or an exaggerator simply for feeling deeply. Your sensitivity makes you beautiful, unique, and special.

I am sorry that to this day, your mom denies your childhood experiences, claiming they weren’t real. I am sorry you learned to betray yourself to please others. I am deeply sorry for all the times I let you down because I thought someone else’s love would make me love you more. I am sorry as a child your needs were not met and now as an adult that manifests as you chasing after men who never prioritize you. I am so sorry for all the times you weren’t listened to, even by me—especially by me. I am sorry for all the times I left you because I thought external validation could ease your internal pain.

I am sorry for all the ways I hurt you, for the times I abused, poisoned, criticized, and judged you. I am sorry for telling you that you were ugly and worthless, that your life didn’t matter, and that you had no value. I am sorry for losing myself in others to avoid you. I am sorry for the broken people I let into your life, for those who used, exploited, or harmed you. I am sorry for objectifying you because I believed attention was the closest to love I’d ever get.

I apologize for the times you were reprimanded when you did nothing wrong, but I am even more sorry for punishing you for not being perfect. You don’t need to be perfect to be loved. I am sorry for all the times I let people cross your boundaries and allowed harmful people into your life. I am even sorrier for letting them stay too long because I feared it was all you deserved. It isn't your fault, and it never was.

I am sorry for pretending to be someone else because I thought who you were wasn’t enough. I have not been a kind parent to you, and I know I haven’t always shown it, but I love you with my whole heart, more than you will ever know. I know you did the best you could, and so am I—but I want to do better for you. I will keep trying until I get it right.

With love,

Me