July: What Does it Mean to be Rich?

6 months ago: December 2022

It’s the day after Christmas and I leave for Rome tomorrow. I’m excited to embark on my first solo journey to Europe for two months. I’m both anxious and eager to see who (I’m convinced) is the love of my life. I’m nervous because I’ve never done this before… gone anywhere alone. I doubt I can do it but I want to try. I want to go to places I’ve never been, I want to learn new things and experience happiness but in New York, I don’t know how. I want to get away. More than anything, I want to be next to him. I want to see him and hug him and touch him and kiss him. I want to look into his eyes, smell him, hear his voice, and lye with him in person rather than over the phone like the past 6 months. I have a job and it’s OK but there’s a lot of downsides. I don’t love it, it doesn’t inspire or move me. I feel stuck and stagnant like I’m sacrificing my life for a paycheck. This is what I’m told I need to do if I want to ever have a good life. So I suck it up and put my joy to the side for the sake of paying my student loans. I’m a robot, and like everyone else in America, I hate life 5 days a week from 9-5. I do the same thing every day and live for the weekends. I’m not fulfilled but I’m comfortably safe in this bubble I call my career. I don’t have many friends, I don’t know many people. My best friend and I just got into a fight and now I feel like I have nobody. I wanted to tell her all about my trip but just like that, we don’t talk anymore. I’m tired of losing those close to me. I wonder what it’s like to have people care about you… I don’t know what to expect on this trip; so much could go wrong, what if I’m making a mistake? What if this is a complete waste of time (and money)? People ask me if I’m crazy and I think they might be right…

3 months ago: March 2023

I just got home from my 8 weeks in Europe. My heart was completely shattered within one week of arrival. The person I loved told me he was never in love with me and we went from talking every day for 6 months to blocking each other. I don’t know why this hurts so bad because it only was half a year but I think this pain is the worst I’ve felt in a while. In Greece, I cried every day and in France, I was still fragile. After Portugal, I left for Spain. The 4 weeks spent were the most magical of my whole life. I knew I’d love the country but I didn’t know how much. The moment I stepped into Sevilla, I felt like I finally found the home I was searching for. Leaving Barcelona for New York was difficult because it was as if I was leaving without a part of my heart. I don’t want to return to real life. I’d do anything to go back. I will give up everything if I have to. I feel ready, like I’m being called for something greater than what LI has to offer. There’s nothing here left for me. It’s time to spread my wings and fly.

1 month ago: May 2023

I just landed in Tirana and I’m the happiest person here. I don’t know why but I feel Albania holds great importance. I’m only here because of him, really. If I never met him I’d never have come but as they say, curiosity killed the cat. I am still sad and triggered AF from April. The past 5 weeks were brutal and I don’t know how many times someone can let you down before you stop being disappointed. I feel literal pain in my chest and wonder if it’s possible to die from a broken heart. If it was, I’d definitely be dead by now. I was happy to leave Rome because I was hoping to leave the agony behind but I don’t know. I feel lonely here, I don’t know anyone and I don’t speak Albanian. I hear they don’t accept credit cards and a rooster has been waking me up at 5 AM. My cell phone doesn’t work and the girls give me dirty looks. I don’t know if I made a mistake by coming here... Maybe mom was right, I should prioritize my profession and be realistic, life isn't a vacation, after all. None of the people smile. I feel lost but I’m happy because in November I’m moving to Spain. I don’t know how I’ll get by since now I don’t have a job or income anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing, really.

Present day: June 2023

It’s been one month since I arrived in Tirana and I’m currently on a plane to FCO. I can’t seem to get away from that place but I’m taking a connecting flight to Florence since tomorrow I’m heading to London from Piza before I go home. I have a love-hate relationship with Rome but no matter what the city will always hold a special place in my heart. I cried when the plane departed because I don’t want to leave. I’m already thinking of when I can go back to Albania, maybe sometime in the winter? Albania began as a disaster but turns out, it was just what I needed. This country and its people left me speechless. I could see myself having a life and babies here. I think I love kids. I never have until after being a nanny. They make me happy because they haven’t been jaded by the world yet. There are so many moving parts in my life now and I’m sorry for all the connections I’m leaving behind. I’ve had so much fun here although it has been challenging. I’ve smiled, cried, laughed, and even screamed. I’ve seen and experienced things I couldn’t imagine. Out of all the places I’ve been, Albania is the most unique, I love it so much. Going home is bittersweet. I feel some relief that in less than one week I’ll be home. I think I need a while to reset and reflect. I fear for the future because my life will look completely different in the next 6 months and I don’t know what’s in store. Between being unemployed and moving to another country, to living on my own for the first time in my life. It’s overwhelming and a lot to process. I worry I’ll never be able to form a long-term relationship because I’m always on the move. I don’t know where I’ll end up. It’s hard being such a free spirit. I’m trying to take it one breath, one day, one moment at a time. I trust the logistics will figure themselves out. If you would've asked me what I wanted for myself one year ago I would've said the following, "I want to make 6 figures, have my dream car/home and be a famous author." Today what I am craving looks drastically different. What I desire for my life is simplicity, a life filled with connection, wonder, and joy. I want to be filled with awe and magic more days than not. I want to grow old with someone and raise a family. I want to leave an impact and make a difference. Whether that means making 10$ an hour or 100$, even zero. What defines a life well lived is a life filled with peace. That can come through various outlets, friends, family, and love of the self. As someone raised in the United States, I've had so many physical opportunities to obtain material things. But like many Americans, I've been misguided, led to believe that financial wealth is the most important, ultimate dream. To be completely honest, I believe it's harder to find someone who truly loves you than it is to make a million dollars. And truthfully, if I had to choose between being a billionaire or being loved, I know deep down that true love is priceless because it can never be lost. But many of us are blind to this. We have so much yet feel so empty. Living in Europe for 4 months has shown me how backwards we are in many third-world countries. I had the chance to make friends from all parts of the world and something I constantly heard from the men I spoke with was their frustration that women only care about guys with money. I've never been impressed by fancy cars or gold chains because I find a man with emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and the ability to make me laugh much more rare (and sexy). I find it sad how people are convinced these are the things that matter in life. I mean, sure it's nice, and (obviously) necessary to have your basic needs met. By no means am I suggesting it's insignificant to be comfortable and I do acknowledge my privilege as someone living in Western civilization (I am more fortunate than most). But an excess of beach houses and Gucci belts will not end your internal suffering nor erase your childhood trauma. For the record, I have tried.

I'll admit the last person I loved made 50 euros a day. I remember he told me he couldn't understand why I would want to be with him. If we were together, he said, I'd live a life of poverty and never have more than enough. I replied "I'd rather be poor with you than rich with anyone else" and I meant it with my whole heart. Throughout my life, money has come and gone, I've had a beat-up car and a sports edition. I've made 7$ an hour and 70,000$. At the end of the day, all I ever really wanted was to feel safe, to be secure. I think that's what we are all searching for but we become brainwashed that only if/when we win the lottery or marry rich, or lives can begin. When I was in Albania for one month I observed people sitting around, spending time together, enjoying each other's company, and ACTUALLY living their lives. They made hardly any money but enjoyed what they had. They had barely anything and with that, they had everything. While they were jealous of me for being American I envied them for having nowhere to be and nothing to do. 6 months ago I had a fat bank account but my life was empty. Today I have friends from all over the world. My world is overflowing with abundance. My life is rich in more ways than one. I feel full. I am complete.