September: Do You Need a Relationship Detox?

Over the last 2 months, I have done a lot of what I termed “relational spring cleaning”. I am aware it isn’t spring, nor is it really summer anymore, but as we approach autumn (my favorite time of year) I thought I would experiment with some fall cleaning when it comes to my relationship life. I initially intended to make my post for September on boundaries, but I think boundaries and detoxing from unhealthy relationships go hand in hand. You see, in order to repair or release people from our lives, we must first begin to set energetic and then either physical or emotional boundaries (often both).

When I came back from Europe in July I was not in a good state of mind. Depressed, defeated, and discouraged, the only thing keeping me going was knowing I would be going back to Europe in November. I decided after the atrocity that occurred in London, something needed to change. Why did I always attract the same person over and over? With closer examination, I realized not only were all my romantic relationships codependent but so were my friendships. When I started to analyze both platonic and sexual relationships in my life, (even familial) I recognized almost all were “toxic” but to my dismay, I was the common denominator in each one. I started journaling what I liked about each relationship and what I was getting out of it. Clarity showed me fairly quickly that a large majority were one-sided and unfulfilling. When I asked myself why I stayed all I could muster was “It’s better than nothing”. Shortly after I began protecting my peace, it became clear to me that no company was better than just any company. When I began to prioritize my mental and emotional well-being, I increasingly started enjoying my alone time and became intuitively guided to lean away from certain people and towards others. Why? As I began to raise my vibration, I no longer aligned with people I used to be on the same frequency with. This isn’t to say I’m better than them, but instead, as we up-level, our preferences and attractions to people will begin to shift also. This change is a good thing, albeit uncomfortable or perhaps even scary.

Although there is a large amount of discomfort in these transitions, we mustn’t avoid them if we wish to heal and grow. Part of developing as a person is learning to say no, walk away, and let go of things we once held onto that no longer serve us out of fear, obligation, or guilt. At the beginning of August, I decided I had to make a drastic change to my mental diet and attitude towards myself. Rather than criticizing myself for everything possible, I decided to only speak highly of myself and have a positive outlook on life. At first, it was difficult, going from despising myself to all of a sudden thinking I was God's gift to earth. But with practice and persistence, it became quite fun, sort of like this game I played on how optimistic I could be. And besides affirming, it was much more than quitting listening to sad music. I had to dive into my patterns and programming to distinguish which behaviors were coming from low or high self-worth. My number one wound was my beliefs about myself when it came to relationships. The dysfunctional dynamics in my relationships revealed I had very low standards for the way I accepted (and expected) to be treated. I had three friendships, in particular, I could think of that didn’t make me feel great. I loved these girls very much but when it came down to it, they either felt unequal, draining or I felt invisible. Feeling insignificant, one-sided, small, and life-taking were also common themes in my romantic relationships. As much as I could continue to suck it up and sacrifice my self-respect to keep the peace, I knew if I truly cared about myself, I wouldn’t keep these people around. It’s not that I didn’t like them anymore, it’s just that for once I had to choose myself over not rocking the boat. And so I started by setting energetic boundaries by taking a step back. When they would pursue me, I then had to set a verbal boundary by asking for space. When my requests for space weren’t met with acceptance, it confirmed these people didn’t respect me because when someone loves you, they honor your boundaries. So I then had to create very physical boundaries by cutting off contact with them completely. As difficult as it was since I used to be the least confrontational person ever, I knew part of this work was to stop apologizing. If I had high regard for myself, I wouldn’t over-apologize, especially when it came to doing what was right for me. If like me, you were or are a (former) people pleaser, you’ve most likely never learned to assert yourself and instead are apologetic for everything.

The past me would’ve felt bad for hurting my friend's feelings, but I’m happy to say I’m at a point where I care more about myself and how I feel than trying to make everyone around me comfortable. Call it selfish, but I don’t mind because my world revolves around me and your world should circle around you too. It’s your life to live, nobody else’s. Being selfish isn’t bad as long as we aren’t intentionally causing harm to another. There’s a difference between selfishness and self-love because you can still be a kind, good, and considerate person without letting people walk all over you. I had to see that being selfless isn’t cute or noble, it can be incredibly self-destructive if it comes without boundaries. So, here I am, with three fewer friends and that’s OK because the two girls I consciously decided to keep spending time with are friends that lift me up; it’s simple, fun, mutual, and rewarding. Relationships should be meaningful, they should leave you feeling seen and heard, not used or like someone’s emotional trash can whenever they need to trauma dump. I’m in no way saying you should cut people off when things get rough, but if times are constantly drama-filled or you find a relationship is bringing you down more than raising you up, it’s time to reconsider.

What they say is true, quality matters more than quantity. I want to remind you it’s okay to say goodbye to people even if you have a history, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to say no and walk away. You’re allowed to set boundaries and change your mind. Know that you deserve space and respect. You are worthy of being validated and having your voice honored. I encourage you to cut the fat out of your life because once you do, you will see you'll attract more aligned relationships into your life. As they say, out with the old in with the new. But first, you need to affirm your value because if you don’t you’ll let anyone and anything into your bubble. When you acknowledge your time and attention as precious, you’ll have higher standards for what and who you put your energy towards. It’s not about righteousness, it’s about doing right by yourself even if that means letting people down. You can’t escape life without disappointing others, but you can make sure you don’t disappoint yourself. I will continue to reevaluate the people and things in life as needed when necessary. If something doesn’t feel good anymore, I suggest you gather the courage to release it. Trust something better is coming your way and you will see how fast things shift. Be brave. Be unapologetic and authentic. If it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no. You got this, we’ll do it together.