January: Heartache, Hardships, and Humility

It's June 2022 and I'm off to Europe with a girl I just met. Blame it on chance, but she was going on a trip to Capri with her girlfriend who happened to cancel just weeks before. Although I just met this girl on Bumble BFF, if someone asks if I want to go to Italy, the likelihood of saying yes is pretty high. At the time, I held a steady job where money wasn't a concern and it had always been my dream to go to Italy since I was 13. 14 years later when the opportunity presented itself, it was a resounding YES.

In January of 2022, I joined Bumble not for dating but to make friends. I was in an unhealthy relationship at the time and despite spending the majority of days with my ex, loneliness was at an all-time high. One night, I joined Bumble BFF and happened to meet a girl I went to high school and later to Europe with (see above). Although this girl and I are no longer friends, I trust this wasn't just some coincidence. Our friendship, albeit bestie status for 7 months, was short-lived but served its purpose. I believe she came into my life for a reason and that reason was to get me to Rome...

When in Rome, I wasn't all that impressed. Honestly, Rome is my favorite city in the world but it wasn't love at first sight. I felt like I was in the Bronx, except I was surrounded by people speaking Italian, old buildings, and loads of pasta. But as life would have it, it didn't take long for me to fall in love. You all know the story so I'm not going to repeat myself, but it goes without saying that I don't believe in accidents. Had I not been in that miserable relationship with my ex, I never would've joined Bumble BFF. Had I not joined Bumble BFF I wouldn't have met my old best friend (and one of my now closest friends) nor would I have gone on a two-week trip to Italy and Greece. Had I not gone to Rome, I would have not met Mr. Noodle, and had I not fallen in love with said person, I would not have solo traveled to Europe for several months last year and be where I am today; writing this from my home in Barcelona. I used to doubt fate but lately, destiny has me convinced...

It's January 2023 and I'm on my way to Andalusia. The other girl I met on Bumble BFF (currently one of my best friends) was from Spain and this piqued my interest. I have familial roots stemming back to Spain, so since I was going to be in Europe and it was my goal to learn Spanish, I was increasingly drawn to this country. I remember being at work telling my coworkers that one day I was going to live in Spain. They replied with a smug, are you sure you want to do that? You've never even been there, how do you know you're going to like it? I had no idea why, but I knew with every fiber of my being that something was calling me there. My suspicions were confirmed the very moment I crossed over from Portugal. The minute I stepped foot in Sevilla, I started balling. These weren't tears of sadness like I had been crying since Mr. Noodle broke my heart on New Year's Eve 4 weeks earlier, no, these were tears of joy. I can't explain it in any other way than the second my plane landed, it felt like I was where I was meant to be. I found what I had been searching for my entire life, or it found me. My heart whispered, "home, I am finally home." Every day for the next 5 months, I ferociously Googled "how to live in Spain" and "ways to move to Spain as an American". I didn't know how and I didn't necessarily know why. I had a successful career and financial stability. All my friends and family were in the US. I was safe in New York, I was comfortable...

One year ago last January, I was dreaming of sipping coffee on the rooftop of my apartment in Spain. Today is January 1st and I'm proud to say that as I write this, I'm overlooking my patio with a cup of tea living in Catalonia. Although it's not quite how I envisioned, I am pleased that I manifested my biggest, craziest dream of 2023. God really does answer prayers.

A year ago today I kicked off 2023 crying alone from an Airbnb in Rome. The next few weeks with my heart completely broken, devastated, and lost in a foreign country, I thought this would’ve been the worst year ever. But despite being one of the most difficult years of my life, it was by far the best. It’s interesting because we assume that for something to be good, it needs to be easy. But this year taught me that challenges can simultaneously coexist with miracles. This year I moved out of the country, had a major career change, solo traveled to 20 different cities, published my fifth book, and met incredible people from all over the world. So many wild things happened I never would have expected. But despite all the magic this year wasn’t without its adversities. I had my heart shattered on more than one occasion, left my prestigious job and (probably the scariest) got super sick and diagnosed with an autoimmune condition which I’ve still been learning to navigate and live a normal life with.

This year humbled the hell out of me and not only allowed me to mature but put things into perspective. I won’t even say DESPITE the struggles but THANKS to the suffering and sacrifices, I've been able to grow immensely in just one year. For example, I’m starting to accept (and approve) who I am and it’s a great, freeing feeling. I can say I've come out of my shell and can talk to anybody about anything at any time. I'm more patient than ever, able to say no without apology, firmer in my boundaries, and clearer about what I want from my life and relationships. My heart is slowly entertaining the idea of letting somebody in again. I sense healing and faith in the ability to trust my judgment. I recently began dating again and notice the quality of people has improved. I feel less pressure to be liked, I don't feel guilty or obligated to do things I'm not comfortable with. I've been attracting more emotionally available men and am starting to be turned ON by green, NOT red flags. It may seem small to you but to me, it's everything. These seemingly tiny shifts are drastic improvements if we take the time to reflect on where we've been. I still have a lot of work to do and I’m sure life will continue to measure me but I feel confident I’m on the right path as long as I continue to cultivate a nurturing relationship with myself, learn to value myself more, and care less about hurting others feelings at the cost of disappointing myself.

I may only be in my twenties but I've lived and died thousands of times which has been both a blessing and a curse. This ultimately led me to have the wisdom of an 89-year-old in a 29-year-old's body so if I can share any knowledge it's this: do the damn thing, be more selfish, anyone who can’t see your worth isn’t worth your time (don’t try to prove it to them), be more selective of who you give your body and energy to; prioritize your attention, not everyone deserves an answer, make a fool of yourself (trust me, you won’t die). A relationship with somebody else won't fix the relationship with yourself. Lastly, know that the most rewarding experiences are hurdles you learn to overcome through the strength you develop within. I am thankful for all the time spent in solitude and for everyone whose path I crossed this year, even if it was just for a day. I am blessed to be on this journey with you. I wish you all the love, light, and bliss this world has to offer. Happy 2024.