The Fear of Losing Love

Have you ever felt like you’ve messed everything up? Like your heart was wide open, full of hope, and then you made a decision that you now regret, wondering if it was the wrong one? It’s a feeling I know all too well. It’s that heavy weight that settles in your chest, the pit in your stomach, when you’re faced with the possibility of having lost something good. Something you thought could be it.

That’s how I feel now, after the ending of something brief, albeit with someone I liked; thinking I was protecting myself, only to realize that I might have made a mistake. That maybe I let something slip through my fingers that could have been what I’ve been waiting for. It’s been a painful journey of self-doubt, regret, and fear of being abandoned again. Because, if I’m honest with myself, I feel like I always get left behind. I’ve always been the one people walked away from, the one who wasn’t enough, or too much, or just not the right fit. The one who couldn’t keep anyone around for long. And now, here I am, looking at my decision and wondering - did I blow it?

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told I’m too much. Too intense. Too deep. Too real. I’ve heard it from others... past relationships, past friends, men who didn’t quite know how to handle me. It’s a scar I carry; one that says, you’re not worthy of being loved just as you are. That belief lingers in the back of my mind, like a shadow, making me second-guess myself every time I open up. So when he tried to take things too fast on our first date (my first date with someone in 8 months), it felt like a signal: a warning that I was going to be discarded like the others. And instead of trusting myself to set boundaries in a calm, healthy way, I panicked. I pushed him away. I told him I wasn’t interested anymore, thinking that would protect me. But all it did was amplify the fear that I’ll always be alone, that I’ll always push people away before they get the chance to show up for me.

After I cut him off, I sat with that decision. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I felt with him. How I liked him. How there was something there, potential, familiarity, both. The doubt crept in. Maybe I was too quick to judge. Maybe I let my past experiences cloud my decision. I could’ve still had him, right? If I hadn’t acted out of fear, out of that deep-rooted belief that I’m too much, or that I’m destined to be alone. But when I reached out to him last night, hoping to talk it through, he said no. And just like that, he pulled away. That was it. The door was closed. Now I’m left with this overwhelming feeling that maybe I’ve lost out on something good. Maybe I’ve sabotaged myself again. And it hurts. It really does. The sadness I feel right now isn’t just about him. It’s about that feeling of being left behind once again. Of never being chosen. Of not being good enough.

I’m tired of being let down. Tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. It feels like every time I open my heart, I end up disappointed. Like no one is ever going to choose me the way I want to be chosen. And I get so caught up in that belief that I’m just not enough and it becomes hard to even trust myself anymore. This cycle of self-doubt? It’s a pattern. And while it’s so easy to get lost in it, it doesn’t define me. My fear of being abandoned or rejected is a story I’ve been telling myself for so long, but it’s just that, a story. Not the truth of who I am or what I deserve. In these moments, when I feel like I’ve messed everything up, I have to remind myself of something I often forget; I am worthy of love. I am worthy of respect. And I’m capable of making the right decisions for myself, even if they don’t always feel right in the moment. This is how I start to rebuild that trust in myself: the trust that I can choose wisely, that I can set healthy boundaries, and that I don’t have to settle for anything less than the love I truly deserve.

I’ve spent too long believing that love had to come in a certain package, or that I had to be someone else to be chosen. But I’m starting to let go of that belief. Love doesn’t work that way. It’s not about being perfect or fitting into someone’s expectations. It’s about being real. And maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. The courage to not run & stay open to the possibility that the right person will love me for all of me... not just the version I think they want to see. Right now, I’m in a space of grieving. Of feeling like I’ve lost something important. But I also know that this pain is temporary. That this moment of self-doubt and regret doesn’t define me. It’s a lesson. A lesson in trusting myself, in not letting fear guide my decisions, & in knowing that the right love will come when I’m ready to embrace it, flaws & all.

Even though I feel devastated now, I’m trying to hold onto the belief that there is something better out there for me. Something that aligns with my true self. Something where I won’t feel like I have to hide or shrink to be loved. I have to trust that this is just a chapter and not the entire story. And if you’re reading this, feeling the same way, just know you’re not alone. We’re all on this journey, figuring it out, trying to trust ourselves and our decisions. The right love is out there, waiting for us to be ready for it. And we will be. One step at a time. This is a reflection of the vulnerability and growth I’m experiencing right now. It’s not easy to admit that I don’t always have the answers, but I’m learning to be with myself through the doubt. And I hope, if you’re struggling with the same fears, you can take something from this. Whether it’s the reminder that you are worthy, or the encouragement to keep going, even when it feels like everything is falling apart. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we hope, and that’s not a reflection of your value or your ability to be loved. It’s just life doing its thing, guiding you toward something that’s more in alignment with who you are right now.

XO,

Lorena