May: The Love-Money Connection

"I loved them more than I loved myself, and therein lies the problem. I wanted a man to rescue me but in the end, I always ended up having to save myself from them."...

These were the last words I wrote in my journal yesterday. I was analyzing my deepest fears, limitations, and blocks when I noticed that most of my troubles relate to love and money. When it comes to love, I constantly attract emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and avoidantly attached men who can't love me. They end up breaking my heart and I become retraumatized with the belief that I am insignificant, unwanted, and perpetually rejected because I am inherently flawed and too imperfect to love. Because love is painful and I have no value, I might as well take what I can get because I'll never have unconditional love. So I learned to settle for boys who threw me breadcrumbs and call it the best I can do. My tolerance for abuse and disrespect was unbearably high. When it comes to finances, I grew up in a household where the bare minimum was enough. I had my basic needs met (food, water, clothing, and shelter) but not my emotional ones. I never felt safe. Walking on eggshells, I never felt free. There was zero stability. There was no security. I didn't feel seen or heard. There was a strong lack mentality which developed a deep fear of scarcity in my growing body. The first manifestation of this developed when I began disordered eating by the time I was in middle school. Hiding, storing, and gorging food like a bear in hibernation, I worried I needed to take what I could get in case more never came. Call it greed, but binge eating can stem from various factors (mainly it's a biological response to real or perceived deprivation). I am going to wear my psychologist hat for a second to explain...

Scarcity triggers a sense of lack or deprivation, which can lead to psychological distress. In response, some individuals may turn to food as a coping mechanism to alleviate negative emotions or stress associated with scarcity. In environments where food is (thought to be) scarce, the opportunity to indulge in palatable foods becomes a rare reward. In my case, my father was a diabetic and always on special diets. As a result, we never had any "fun" foods in the home. This can lead to a heightened desire for high-calorie, high-reward foods, which may result in binge eating when they become available. From an evolutionary perspective, binge eating during times of scarcity could be an adaptive response to ensure survival during periods of famine. The body may instinctively seek to stockpile calories when food is available in anticipation of future scarcity. Obviously, I grew up in the USA so this isn't pertinent but it's still relevant as the body can not tell the difference between what is real versus what is imagined to be true. Scarcity can also trigger a psychological reactance, where individuals feel a strong urge to regain control over their environment. In the context of food scarcity, this may manifest as binge eating as a way to assert control over one's food intake, even if it's excessive. Growing up feeling powerless in my circumstances, food was one of the only things I felt I had some control over, which ultimately led me to develop an eating disorder and suffer from bulimia for the larger part of my life. Binge eating can serve as a maladaptive way to regulate emotions, too. In the face of stress or anxiety, individuals may turn to food for comfort or distraction, leading to more episodes. My nervous system was incredibly dysregulated in childhood due to growing up in an unpredictable environment.

As I started growing into a teenager I began stealing from stores for the high; the thrill I got to experience having more than enough, even if I didn't need it. As an adult, I would feel a clenching in my chest anytime I had to spend money. "I'm running out of resources" would be my first thought. I am going to be homeless, I will never have enough. These thoughts played on repeat (and still do) in my mind. When I saw people have more than me, live in excess, or born into wealth, my body would be flooded with resentment and envy. "It's not fair," I tell myself. Why do some people get to live in abundance while others like myself, are destined to struggle? The lack mentality not only existed in my relationship with finances but also poured into my romantic life. The "I'll take what I can get because no more is coming" led me to tolerate years and years of dangerous, violent, and even life-threatening relationships because my mind associated love (as with money) with chronic highs and lows.

The psychology behind a "lack mentality" involves a mindset characterized by a persistent belief in scarcity, insufficiency, or deprivation. People with a lack mentality often exhibit cognitive biases that reinforce their belief in scarcity. These biases include selective attention (focusing on what is lacking rather than what is available), confirmation bias (seeking out information that confirms their belief in scarcity), and pessimistic thinking (expecting negative outcomes). Childhood experiences of scarcity, such as growing up in a low-income household or experiencing food (or love) insecurity, can shape one's beliefs about the availability of resources. These early experiences can create deep-seated beliefs and attitudes that persist into adulthood. In addition, cultural norms, societal messages, and peer influences can reinforce a lack mentality. For example, living in a consumerist society that emphasizes material wealth and status (hello America) can lead individuals to believe that they never have "enough." Plus, people with a lack mentality often have a heightened fear of loss or deprivation. This fear can drive behaviors such as hoarding, excessive saving, or reluctance to take risks, as individuals try to protect themselves from potential scarcity in the future. As someone with an attachment wound from being adopted and having my father die at a young age, this fear of loss speaks to my abandonment trauma. When studying manifestation or other spiritual principles, the love-money connection is often discussed. While the link may not seem so apparent at first glance, the two are intricately related.

The "love-money connection" refers to the idea that the emotions and beliefs surrounding love and money are deeply interconnected and can influence one's ability to manifest prosperity in both areas of life. To understand, we need to take a look at energy and self-concept on a basic level. In many manifestation teachings, thoughts and emotions are believed to emit vibrations that attract similar vibrations from the universe. Love and money are both associated with strong emotions and energy. When individuals approach both love and money with positive emotions, such as love, gratitude, and abundance, they are believed to raise their vibrational frequency and attract more positive experiences and outcomes in both areas. As is true on the contrary. The connection between love and money can also be rooted in self-worth and feelings of deservingness. People who struggle with self-worth issues may find it challenging to attract abundance in either love or money (or both). Believing that one is worthy of love and financial prosperity can create a positive feedback loop where increased self-worth leads to happiness in all areas of life. Our beliefs and expectations about love and money shape our reality. If someone holds limiting beliefs about their ability to find love or achieve financial success, they may inadvertently sabotage their manifestations in both areas. However, when people are aligned with their true desires and values, they are believed to be in a state of flow where manifestations occur effortlessly. This alignment encompasses both love and money, as individuals pursue relationships and financial opportunities that are in line with their authentic, highest selves. The concept sounds simple, but it is easier said than done. Especially if like me, you have a lifetime of conditioning that didn't necessarily set your expectations high for trusting love or money. But from the work I've done and based on what I have seen, it is possible to rewire your nervous system and create a new neural network/loop that serves you rather than hinders you. If I had the solution, well, my life would be a lot different and I'd give you the answer, haha.

My sore spots are love and money. This is where the universe tests me over and over. I know I'm not alone in this, and that's why I wanted to bring it up today. It's interesting if we examine our current adversities and compare them to our adversities growing up. Or if we evaluate the people we date and compare them to our parents. Initially, they might not seem similar but I've done this several times and the overlap is eerily spot on. As a child, I watched my mother take care of my father. He was sick and unable to work, so she brought in all the money. Consciously, when I write down the qualities I want in a person, the first that comes up is someone who is my equally capable partner. I don't want to be the breadwinner in my relationship. I want a man in his masculine, someone who will support and provide for me. I want to be taken care of. Maybe it sounds shallow, but as someone who prioritizes their well-being, I want someone who also values their wellness and is just as hardworking. I don't need to be rich, and we don't need to own a yacht, but especially because of my past, I need a life with predictability because I do not want to raise children who grow up watching their parents fight to make ends meet like I did. I want someone who is emotionally intelligent, an intellectual, who shares similar morals and I feel at peace, not in never-ending turmoil with. Yet subconsciously, my brain is wired for the opposite; chaos. And so even though I'm a Ph.D, I have never dated someone with a college education (knowledge is very important to me). I've never dated someone who is successful or has a career. I've never dated someone with whom I felt calm or important. I've only dated men who are either unemployed, don't have a car, and smoke marijuana all day while eating lays potato chips, scrolling on social media while treating me like I'm invisible. It's the opposite of what I think I want, but since it's all I witnessed in childhood, I have only ever been attracted to guys with little to no ambition who need to be healed, taken care of, and fixed. I have dated men, like my father, who I have been afraid of. Who, if I speak up, there will be consequences. I have never dated a person who unconditionally loved me, because love was conditional growing up. I invite you to do this exercise. What do you find? It's not going to solve all your problems, but it will at least open your eyes. By identifying the root of the issue, we can take steps towards breaking the cycle of operating from our shadow. Share & let me know how it goes!