Chaos to Clarity: Shedding Toxic Behaviors

When I was in my early to mid 20s, I thought I had it all figured out.😂 I was chasing thrills, living for the moment, and following what society told me was impressive. I believed that being rebellious, carefree, and seeking constant external validation was the key to happiness. Now that I’m 30, I’ve gained so much more clarity on what really matters. In this post, I’ll reflect on the journey from toxic behaviors to the newfound peace and purpose I’ve embraced as I’ve matured.

No shade to my younger self, but in my 20s, I was CONSUMED by social media and what others thought of me. I equated being sexy with self-worth and thought that my value was based on how many followers, likes and comments I received online. I smoked pot daily because I thought it meant I was badass. I didn’t care about the consequences of my actions (or inaction) even when my mental or physical health were taking a hit. I tatted up my body, amongst other impulsive decisions. My relationships, romantic or otherwise, were nothing short of toxic. Ghosting people became a habit, and I didn’t communicate properly, preferring to play the victim rather than take accountability. I was lost in a cycle of friends with benefits, thinking this was the “freedom” and excitement that everyone around me seemed to be after. Drinking till I blacked out, sporadic hookups and being irresponsible felt like a badge of honor. I believed that being “cool” meant living fast and acting dumb. I didn’t prioritize integrity, let alone honesty, for the sake of "being nice". Sleep was an afterthought and I relied on meds to get by. Somehow, I thought pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion made me stronger. Looking back, I realize I was simply seeking distractions from my own insecurities and fears.

1. Being in Toxic Relationships

I stayed in unhealthy relationships far longer than I should have, thinking that drama and chaos were signs of passion. I was addicted to dysfunction, and nothing turned me on more than fuck boys covered in red flags. I normalized emotional manipulation (theirs and my own), lack of boundaries, and codependency, convincing myself it was all part of “true love.” The highs and lows felt exciting, but they only left me drained and broken. They say ignorance is bliss but in my case, the denial almost got me killed.

2. Ghosting People

Rather than dealing with conflict or uncomfortable emotions, I ghosted people. Whether it was a friend, a romantic interest, or even someone I had hurt, I thought disappearing was easier than communicating. At the time, I didn’t realize how hurtful and immature this behavior was - not just for them, but for me too. I was afraid to say no because I thought it would make me look like a bitch, so instead I was fake AF (which isn't any nicer). I thought people pleasing was a display of empathy but it's really just a sign you lack dignity.

3. One-Night Stands

I convinced myself that casual sex was liberating and empowering, (a lie many people tell themselves) but deep down, it was a form of escapism; leaving me feeling empty and disconnected. I didn’t value my own emotional or physical boundaries and sought validation through strangers, thinking it would fill a void. Spoiler, it didn’t! All it did was leave me with zero regard for my body and not an ounce of self respect. Physical connection cannot make up for the lack of emotional connection within us... if anything, it pulls us even further away from ourselves.

4. Chasing Social Media Validation

I was obsessed with likes, comments, and followers, basing my value on numbers instead of genuine connections. I spent hours curating posts and seeking approval from strangers, prioritizing my online persona over my real-life relationships and personal growth. In addition, I can not find a single photo of myself that doesn't have a filter or isn't heavily airbrushed and edited. I showed off my body like it was a swimsuit competition in the name of "feminism" 🤮 Side note: nobody GIVES A FUCK how many views you get, besides you! It may sound harsh, but at the end of the day, it's liberating to know that no one is checking your profile or monitoring your stories (as much as you are).

5. Playing the Victim

Whenever life didn’t go my way, I fell into the habit of blaming others and refusing to take accountability. It was easier to play the victim than to acknowledge my own role in situations. I didn’t realize that this mindset was holding me back from growing and learning from my mistakes. I would complain about everything and everyone. I was super negative and could listen to myself bitch and moan all day long. Whining was my favorite pastime and I didn't want to acknowledge that I was responsible for my own life. I was legitimately that person who would ask for advice, and then not follow it.

6. Abusing My Body

I treated my body like it was indestructible, harming myself and popping pills like there was no tomorrow. I didn’t listen to what she needed and ignored the long-term consequences of my choices, thinking that “living for the moment” was the ultimate freedom. I starved myself and got stuck in the cycle of binging/purging. I was hyper compulsive and only lived for what felt good in the moment, without any consideration as to how it might affect me down the road.

Looking back, the behaviors I once thought were “cool” were rooted in stupidity, a lack of self-awareness, and a craving for external validation. But over time, I’ve come to realize that true “coolness” is about showing up for myself and living with intention; something my 20-year-old self could never have imagined! Now, in my 30s, I’ve learned that real maturity comes through growth, truth and reflection. The things I once idolized no longer hold the same fascination, replaced by a deeper understanding of what truly matters. Here's what I’ve realized is truly valuable...

1. Prioritizing Peace and Health

When I started focusing on my mental and physical health, everything changed. Instead of partying until 3 AM, I now cherish my eight hours of sleep, knowing that proper rest is essential for well-being. I’ve learned that prioritizing my peace means setting boundaries, saying no when I need to, and respecting my body. Taking care of my health isn’t just about looking good, it’s about feeling good and being able to show up as my best self. Some might say I’m boring or no fun, but I’d rather not waste energy entertaining people who don’t share my values anyway. 😉

2. Spending Time with People IRL

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how precious time is. No amount of followers or likes can replace the warmth and connection I get from spending quality time with the people who truly care about me. The moments I’ve shared with loved ones, whether through dinners, vacations, or just simple conversations, have become the foundation of my joy.

3. Accountability and Personal Responsibility

Maturity means taking ownership of my actions and their consequences. In my 20s, I often deflected responsibility and blamed life or bad luck for my struggles. Now, I understand that personal growth comes from accepting my mistakes, learning from them, and striving to be better. Being accountable for my choices has made me more self-confident and empowered to take charge of my life.

4. Communicating Honestly and Being Authentic

The toxic communication habits I once indulged in, like ghosting or avoiding confrontation, no longer serve me (or anyone, for that matter). I’ve learned that honest, open communication is essential in building trust and authentic relationships. Whether in friendships, family, or romantic connections, speaking my truth and listening with empathy are the cornerstones of genuine connections. I used to wear masks and try to fit into the molds others expected of me, but being a doormat isn't cute. Martyrdom isn't a good look or something to be proud of. Now, I embrace transparency and let go of the need for outside gratification. I’ve realized that the truest form of beauty comes from within and that being my true self, flaws and all, is more fulfilling than trying to conform to fleeting trends or standards set by society. (Easier said than done, but I'm trying)!

5. Living Off Social Media

Once, I was obsessed with the idea of being constantly present on social media, checking my phone every minute for notifications. Today, I enjoy disconnecting from the digital world and focusing on real-life experiences. I’ve come to appreciate how important it is to have a life off-screen, where I can truly be present with the people and things that matter. At the end of the day, social media is fake, and we must put our energy into nurturing genuine connections, investing in our personal growth, and savoring moments that aren't filtered or curated for an audience. It's not a flex to be on your phone 24/7. It doesn't make you superior or more important than others. It makes you ignorant and dissociated. Living in the moment and actually being present with real humans is way more attractive than obsessing over a screen.

6. Consistency Over Games

In my 20s, I used to tolerate the unpredictable behavior of guys who couldn’t care less, the ones who didn’t text every day or who didn’t bother to plan ahead. I thought maybe I was being too needy or expecting too much. But now that I’m 30, I’ve realized how unattractive low-effort behavior is. If I’m left wondering whether you’re interested, it gives the ick. I find men who are consistent sexy, men who show up and make an effort. I don't care if that makes me seem "bitchy" or high-maintenance; I know exactly what I want. I’m not settling for little boys who are afraid to communicate or think playing games will make them more appealing. I’m done with that. I want to be treated like a lady by a man who acts like a real, grown ass man. Someone I can count on. Somebody who’s confident enough to take the lead, plan dates, and communicate openly. Carelessness and indifference are major turn-offs, and I’m no longer willing to settle for the bare minimum. If you are not able to rise to the occasion and meet my standards, then our morals clearly aren't aligned, so that'll be a no.👋

The shift from toxic behaviors to a healthier, more balanced lifestyle hasn’t been instantaneous, but it’s been worth every step. I now see that real “coolness” is about being at peace with who I am, fostering meaningful relationships, and taking responsibility for my future. I used to blame my poor behavior on trauma, but now I see that having mental health issues isn't an excuse to be a dick. Although I have SO MUCH compassion for my lost, younger self, and understand I was trying to just get my needs met (in a very misguided way), I can't say I miss her. Maturity has taught me that the true treasures in life are peace, health, connection and authenticity, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the lessons that brought me here. If you’re in your 20s and finding yourself caught up in the whirlwind of YOLO, take a moment to pause and reflect. Your 30s (and beyond) will thank you for it. I promise!

XO,

Lorena