Wherever You Go, There You Are

The title of my last book was "born with a broken heart." I remember the name randomly coming to me one night last April as I was lying in bed, listening to the same breakup song on repeat, debating whether or not I should block the person I believed was the cause of my dismay and suffering. I realized that, if I was honest, my heart was broken long before he showed up. What if I was born with a broken heart? I asked myself...

You see, not only was I "born with a broken heart" but I was also born a hopeless romantic for as long as I can remember. The last time I recall not feeling apathetic was around 4 years old. At 5 years young I wrote my first book, Amanda and Mike. It was a series of stories about two people madly in love until one day Mike found someone he liked better. Amanda's world was shattered when Mike and his new boo fled off into the sunset while Amanda was left alone to collect the pieces of her broken heart. This was all before the second grade...

I remember my first crush in kindergarten, Frankie. One day, my school teacher yelled at me for not paying attention and I felt embarrassed as Frankie saw me being reprimanded by Ms. Baker. Next was a boy named Anthony in the first grade. One of my first memories was watching with anguish while Anthony preferred to play with Desiree on the playground over me. I think this is where my inspiration for Amanda and Mike stemmed from because although I couldn't put a name to it at the time, I felt bitter and jealous down to my 6-year-old core as I watched in confusion as to why he chose her instead of me.

Not long ago, I found my diary dating back to 2001. I opened the journal and found drawings of a girl crying with an X over her face and "ugly" written above her. "I'm an ugly duckling. Nobody loves me. They only want the beautiful swans, but I'm an ugly duckling." I was 7 years old. My self-hatred dates back as far as I can remember and only got worse as the years passed by. I blamed the bullying, my parents' erratic behavior, and the fact that the cool girls didn't want to sit with me at lunch on my inadequacy. When I was in the third grade my best friend Alicia decided she no longer wanted to spend time together at recess. She had found a new minion, Melissa, who I grew to resent as I compared myself to her. Why did Alicia like her more than me? Was it my hairstyle? The snacks inside my lunchbox? Was it because Melissa shopped at limited too and my clothes were from JcPennys? My internalized shame grew deeper and deeper the longer she ignored me.

Ignored. Last night I was listening to an audiobook by Dr. Nicole LaPera, "How to Be the Love You Seek" when she was discussing a case study on a client who felt perpetually ignored throughout her life. Hm, I thought to myself. I too have felt significantly disregarded, overlooked, and ignored for the larger majority of my life. Being ghosted is probably the most triggering thing a person (particularly, potential romantic partners) could do to me; leaving me to feel activated as all hell and immensely rejected beyond words could describe.

For more than half of my life, I've been on a mission to escape from myself; from the longing, the loneliness, and the despair that held a tight grip on my heart. I could only describe it as an internalized feeling of not belonging; like something was inherently wrong with me. I couldn't relate to others, I was always on the outside looking in. I was depressed and I didn't know why. I had more than most people my age; I was healthy, financially sound, published 5 books, held 3 degrees, traveling the world and still I felt engulfed in emptiness. I trusted there must be something more, something I was missing; the perfect body, the perfect man, the perfect job, these were the solutions to my chronically unfulfilling existence... right?

As I ventured out to Europe in seek of my ideal life, the universe had other plans. I was slapped in the face with a rude awakening when I realized that my demons followed me everywhere I went. How could it be? I was oceans away from my old life and yet I was continuing to face the same issues. I thought I could leave my problems behind on another continent, so when I found myself falling in love with yet another emotionally unavailable man who would make all my unworthiness wounds resurface, I knew the only answer could be that I was the common denominator in each of my trauma bonds. It didn't matter if the guy was Spanish, Italian, Albanian, American, (or an alien), it didn't matter if I was in Aruba, Greece, France, or London, my insecure attachment and crippling fear of abandonment were closely lurking behind to remind me of all the inner work I had yet to heal.

This goes for what I continue to say but have yet to fully integrate; we can concentrate on altering the outside but until we change the inside, we will endlessly manifest external situations that confirm our internal narrative. No matter where we are in the world, our story goes with us. We are not a victim of our circumstances, rather, we are the director of them. Our childhood is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to unpack it so we make sure we don't carry it into adulthood and replay the same dynamics over and over again. I am guilty of this, repeating the same patterns until I'm blue in the face. I tell myself I am doing the best I can. I try to be patient and offer myself compassion as I fall into the same traps and allow myself to be taken advantage of and played a fool, recognizing it's my scared inner child in the driver's seat. Her intentions are well-meaning, she is attempting to have her needs met in the most misguided way, so I have to offer her the unwavering positive regard, forgiveness, and unconditional love she desperately craved but never received.

Wherever you go, there you are speaks to the idea that our internal state, including our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, shape our perception of the world around us. If we are unhappy or unfulfilled within ourselves, changing our external environment may provide temporary relief, but it won't address the root cause of our discontent. True contentment comes from within and requires courage, resilience, self-awareness, and a commitment to self. The last 2 years have taught me that no matter where you travel or what you do, you cannot escape yourself. You carry your thoughts, emotions, and experiences with you wherever you go. Even if you change locations or circumstances, you cannot fundamentally change who you are at your core (unless you choose to do so). So if wherever you go, there you are, where will you go next? I hope you choose to go within. Don't leave yourself behind.