March: Why You're Unlucky in Love

I've never been "lucky" in love. At least, this is what I've convinced myself the last 29 years. As everyone around me continues to get married or have kids, I'm still struggling to find a partner who doesn't qualify for narcissistic personality disorder. While I watch myself continue to be the only single person at family holiday parties every year, I reflect on the countless men who have played me, used me, abused me, and lied straight to my face. And while I could get mad about it, blame them, and hate every man on earth (if anyone had the right to, it would certainly be me) I point the finger back at myself for dating the same person 100s of times, some better or worse, but all pretty much the same with a different face.

I went out with my friend recently to catch up over coffee. As I was telling him about my pathetic excuse of a love life (or lack thereof) he commended me on my courage. "At least you stay positive and continue to try. That's great you don't give up hope." I scoffed because as much as it impersonates bravery, I see it as stupidity. If you put your hand on a hot stove and got burned, wouldn't you stop placing your hand on the scorching hot stove? Wouldn't you eventually learn? "But Keith, I don't want to try anymore, I have given up hope... I just don't know what's wrong with me that men don't take me seriously. What's so bad about me that they refuse to treat me well? Why is it so hard for me but seemingly effortless for others?"... I said this to him out loud when in reality it was a question I had been posing myself dozens of times. A question which I didn't want to admit, but I knew the answer to.

Let me tell you about my friend Kate. Kate is a girl from California with whom I became close once I moved to Barcelona. She's a girl I love and simultaneously, a girl I can become insanely envious of. There's been more than one occasion when I've been so jealous of Kate, that after listening to her or reading a text, I've cried. It's been on a pretty regular basis that when I'm around her, or telling someone about her, I have to mention the incredible "luck" that she has. I've never met someone in my entire 29 years of life who commands magic (and gets it) the way she does. It blew my mind at first, the way men pamper, spoil, cherish, adore, and appreciate her. Everywhere we go men are admiring her, buying her things, wanting to talk to her and take her out. Initially, it was nearly impossible NOT to compare myself with this girl. I told myself it was because she was young, thin, and blonde. I told myself men walk all over me because I'm not young, thin, or blonde. She was getting successful, generous men who would wine and dine her and I wouldn't even be able to get a man to text me back or buy me dinner. This was my ego talking, the wounded part of myself that's convinced I need to be perfect to be loved. The limiting belief tells me I'm inadequate and need to fix myself if I ever stand a chance at a happy, healthy relationship. But my inner wisdom spoke a different language. My higher self held another truth. Kate gets worshipped because she believes she deserves to be. She expects it. She demands it. And if someone does not meet her high standards, then they don't stand a chance. She doesn't become the girl she thinks she needs to be so they want her, she doesn't bend her boundaries to win someone over, she makes them prove to her that they are worth HER time, not the other way around. The law of expectation dictates that whatever you expect with certainty is what you will get while the universal law of mirroring explains that we aren’t only attracting certain circumstances, we are actually getting glimpses of who we perceive ourselves to be by our interactions with others. Deep down, it all made sense.

For the majority of my life, I viewed myself through a lens of self-hate and disgust. The only times I've ever been nice to or liked myself was when I was a certain size or weight, had a certain hair color or length, received X amount of attention, got validation from my crush, was making X amount of money, got X job, and the list of conditions I forced upon myself went on and on. As soon as a guy lost interest in me, I was the scum of the earth. "He must not want me because I'm too fat, or ugly. I have no value. Everyone rejects me because I'm inherently unlovable." When my ex broke up with me, I told myself it was because I was irreparably damaged, forever broken, hard to love, and had nothing to offer. I felt like I needed to be flawless for somebody to CHOOSE ME so thereby, I refused to choose myself. Over and over it never failed. Time and time again I would keep attracting men into my life that confirmed my inner narrative. "You're repulsive, Lauren. Everyone abandons you. Nothing ever works out because you're not good enough. You'll always be alone because no one would want to put up with you, you're too much" This is what I was either told by the guy I was dating (yes, I was actually told by a guy that he didn't want to sleep with me because he found my body disgusting and I was no longer attractive to him) or it's what the scenarios affirmed into my psyche. It was a long-told, deeply ingrained story of inferiority, crippling insecurity, and a never-ending broken heart. I couldn't win and I felt deflated to my core.

No matter how much time I took off from dating, the second I returned, my talent for manifesting emotionally unavailable, psychopathic men would rise to the surface. No matter how many self-help books I read or self-development podcasts I listened to, no matter how much introspective journaling I did to examine my childhood or psychoanalysis in therapy to analyze my intimacy fears, the further I tried to throw the boomerang the harder it came back to knock me on my ass. I couldn't figure out why, when I was working so hard on myself (more than anyone I'd known), I couldn't get this right. Why was I still attracted to toxic, low-quality boys posing as men who had absolutely nothing to contribute to my life? I felt ashamed, resentful, and defeated. Healthy love felt like a hopeless fantasy, a goal I would never accomplish, a dream I would never reach. Maybe it's not in the cards for me to be happy with someone, I sobbed... and this brings me to where I'm currently at today.

I'm presently in New York writing this. Once again, I had my heart broken by a guy I was starting to fall in love with but thankfully he ghosted me before it could get that far, hahaha. Having taken off from dating for 7 months and after giving up my 7-month-long celibacy to this person that I really liked because I thought I saw a future with him, I felt fooled, tricked, and devastated that it didn't work out. With my deteriorating health, both physical and mental because of how triggered I became, I decided to head to America to focus on healing my mind, body, and soul while working on my shit. I've made the promise to myself that I won't use dating apps for the next year. Not only do I hate swipe culture but I don't think looking through people like they're a catalogue sets the stage for a conscious, mindful relationship. I understand why people do it, I mean, how the hell else do you meet people these days? But I personally don't want to risk getting involved with someone just because they're perpetually bored, lonely, or horny and I was convenient. Moving forward, I want to be intentional about whom I give my time and attention, and I'd like that energy and focus to be reciprocated. Not that I have any plans to date in the near future, but when I'm ready again, I'll know. I'm planning to just live my life and allow it to happen at the right time and place when the stars align. I'm not forcing it, but I'm surrendering my wish to the universe and trusting it will unfold in due time. I'm a wise, compassionate girl with a big heart and I know inside that I deserve a person who is as intelligent, ambitious, and empathic as me, who loves and treats me with the same affection I give them. No thanks, one-sided situationships.

I was recently talking to my ex who I’m friends with (yes it’s possible to be friends with an ex, I actually see it as a green flag because it’s a sign of maturity). And since we tell each other about our love lives, he talks to me about his girl problems and says there’s no good, loyal women out there and he’ll be alone forever. Meanwhile, I was head over heels in love with him and tried to give him everything I could. Because I no longer have feelings for him, instead of getting bothered by his pure ignorance, I shook my head and laughed. Oh you poor thing, I thought… How utterly wrong people can be; how much they love to defend their delusions. There are millions of nice girls out there. I am one myself and I know dozens of them. His blindness shows me he doesn’t have the capacity to let himself be loved or he’s not interested in a serious relationship due to the fear of commitment. We allow people to treat us how we consciously (or unconsciously) feel we deserve to be treated. They respond to us the way we respond to ourselves. It’s not that it’s not possible for us but that we’re not open to receiving that which somebody wants to give us. I remind you that just because someone isn’t receptive to your offering doesn’t mean you bring nothing to the table.

I was consistently retraumatizing myself by pursuing men I had to chase, beg, and fight for to gratify me. To me, love was pain, it represented struggle. I sought it out in arms that made me feel unseen and unheard. Because I didn't have my needs met in childhood (other than the basics), I lusted after people in my teens and twenties who also couldn't meet my needs. My mom was the caretaker of my terminally ill father, and it became eerily coincidental when I noticed myself investing in guys who couldn't provide for me in return. Unstable, unrequited love became my middle name. If you too, have a habit of always feeling invisible in your relationships, ask yourself: which part of you believes love is something you need to earn? Get real with yourself and question if you even show yourself unconditional love. Do you support yourself on your worst days? Or do you let your shadow run your life and pray that one day someone will accept you and then maybe you'll fancy yourself too?

It’s one thing to have insight (I have all the self-awareness in the world) but it’s another to actually DO something about it and break your cycle of dysfunction once and for all. If I'm being honest, it’s been difficult to not beat myself up over this because I promised myself I’d never go back to my old ways of settling for the bare minimum. Until I recently found myself yet again, yearning after someone who hurt me by repeatedly ignoring me for days or weeks on end and screamed walking red flag. Although I'm disappointed, it's not him who I most need to forgive, but rather, me. Forgive myself for ignoring my intuition and letting myself be taken for granted. I'm aware these things take time. They're complex and internally woven. It's not an overnight transformation but something we need to commit to daily. When it comes to love, maybe you feel cursed. Maybe you're going on dead-end dates, not getting calls back, or like me, find yourself single at 30 with no potential prospects and an increasingly smaller dating pool. Are you doomed? Or is it something greater... you tell me.

Tell me if you’re going for what’s comfortable and familiar. It's well known that childhood trauma reappears in our adult relationships. But do you have to keep playing that game forever? For example, one belief I developed growing up is that love is unsafe, so I always found myself drawn to dangerous partners whether they were mentally ill, addicts, or physically violent. As much as we can continue to make the excuse of our childhood, when do we say enough is enough? What you assume to be true is your reality. If you tell yourself all men are trash then you will, in fact, attract trash men. If you are convinced all women are gold diggers then that's what you'll keep encountering. According to the law of correspondence, there is a resonance between our inner and outer worlds. Can you start to get so sick of your own bullshit that you have no option left but to change? No one can dive into your resistance and the barriers YOU set except for you. Instead of feeling like a victim, we must take personal responsibility for what we magnetize into our experience. You are an energetic match for everyone who comes into your existence. They are simply mirroring back our sore spots, what’s left for us to work on. If we see it like this we can reframe it into our triggers being teachers and lovers as opportunities to step into our fullest potential.

It’s a hard pill to swallow because it’s much easier to feel sorry for ourselves than it is to admit we've been giving our power away. No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you give them permission to. Because if you had self-respect, you wouldn’t tolerate or entertain a person who makes you question yourself in the first place. Nobody is forcing you to be with someone who takes advantage of you. Stop self-sacrificing and betraying yourself to keep someone around. If an equal, capable partner dropped into your lap right now, would you even be interested? Or would you still find the codependent sociopath who only wants to take from and manipulate you more exciting? The issue isn’t that there are no good women/men out there, it’s that we decide to prioritize those to whom we are solely an option. A person who has zero regard for themselves feels lucky that somebody goes out with them. A person who has high self-regard knows anybody who they go out with is lucky. They don’t doubt themselves, they don’t mold themselves to fit into another person's box. They would rather be lonely alone than lonely with another. They’re not acting from a place of desperation because they know what they want is out there and worth waiting for. They don’t care what others think about them because they know who they are. They don’t people please in hopes someone will pick them because they pick themselves. They don't lose themselves to make a prospective partner happy because their happiness comes first. When we act from this; when we come from a self-assured place, we will vibrate on the same frequency as people who also have a solid relationship with themselves. Not fuck boys who say they want something real until they get you in bed and admit they don’t want anything serious. Not party girls obsessed with material items and social media likes that leave you for their ex. Make a list of the top 10 characteristics (preferably internal) you need in a partner and hold it up to each new person who enters your life. Let that guide you. While certain traits such as appearance or job title can be flexible, DO NOT budge on the most vital piece, how they make you feel. (Pro-tip, you can also make a list of "absolutely not" as well as "nice to have but not a deal breaker" as a bonus). It starts here, with accountability.

If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you will keep getting what you’ve always got. As within, so without. What's consuming your mental space? Expose yourself to something different. It's not "I'll believe it when I see it" but instead, you'll see it once you believe it. I know it's not easy, but it is fairly simple. I'll also add that in my experience, it's not like you wake up one day and never slip up again. As nice as that would be, we need to release the expectation for growth to be perfect. Allow trial and error. It takes practice, perseverance, and a strong self-image to know you are worth fighting for. First comes the self-inquiry and then comes the action. Challenge yourself to do the opposite of what you used to. Life will continue to test you, but if you remain persistent and unapologetic in holding firm to your boundaries, I have faith it'll pay off. You'll notice you're making smarter choices, you'll see your taste in significant others begin to change. Take note of how someone or something makes you feel. Do they try to make you feel guilty for not giving them their way? Are they jealous? Do they attempt to control you? Do they make passive-aggressive comments or degrade your character with sarcastic remarks? Or maybe they’re seemingly everything you want BUT they’re not driven and don’t take care of their health which are important values to you. What are your non-negotiables? Get specific. Do you believe you can have everything you desire? Or do you feel you need to give up certain morals because this person has potential? Notice. Become curious about where your behavior and motivation stem from. Is it coming from fear, scarcity, and lack, or from a place of trust, abundance, and alignment?

So, tell me, are you really unlucky in love? Well, only you have the power to decide.